Its just cannot be....that....

I dont know how can I get attached back to him. Yesterday and before yesterday-we chat. I dont know what should I do. Sometimes I think, the way its not like before. I cant feel him more. I just feel lonely but not for him. Maybe, my heart has closed again for a man. I dont know. But what the most sad for me now,is I cant feel anything. If I do feel, its was only a guilty feeling I had done to everyone. Sometimes I wish I could turn all my time, from my younger ages. There are many mistake I wish to corrected.All is just not fine for me now. Totally, I am feeling down now. Not more love,not more success,not a friend or a foe. Not even a salary more,not even anyone or family,not also a work,and boss, and also money. Its just ME.Yes it's me.
I think I has LOST.Many times in a 'mean' line.
Now...I wanna tell what was it.

First-Love. After I break up/dump him politely, what I just wish is only a friend relationship maybe I am not ready to loose him completely. Because, its already my routine to chat with him everyday and smile to him in cam. So, I do it slowly. But I never wish to give a chance. Well, I cant fall in love back when I am hurt. But, I need him as friend. Did I do wrong? Or I has wrong perception? In my situation,maybe YES. As long time I wish, I just want all not happen as what had happen to us. But its already happen, and I wish I can forget it. But its not easy.
He claimed to me,he will died,he sick,he admitted to hospital,a doctor call me,i assume a friend, all this is just sometime a 'shit story' I dont wish to heard. Its also a scary part. A moment guilty.
Or maybe he used this situation to stipulates me comes back to him. He knows, after all.
But what turn me off was my feeling has not like before. I think I LOVE him but I Hates him too.
LOVE as a foes, Hates like a friend. I never wish I can knew him...before. I wish I was not here now a day.This moment was so struggle dead meat for me. Because I has a feeling he want me for a moment he think he will died,who know next he is the killer. Yet,I still doubt everyone not him,mine too. I cant love him forever. Do he will read this? I gives him a sign . Many time.
But I never see he jump his site. He's only jumping on me. Fuck Him. Or Fuck me.
What I wanna do is just waiting he dump me. Until he obey that maybe we r not. Not in a line anyways. I dont know what will I be through.
But. I believes myself even I has doubt. I believes myself more than anyone. I know, that time is no longer for me to playin this. I know,I should stop. Listening to my song our song, tears down, its was just a part,of life sucks. But, remmeber those back, it was just gives me stronger and stronger than me, I should conquered myself beyond anyone dream or wish on me.
I should become more power in beneath live to HIM ,my God,my pray than a human lust.
I know, or I dont know. but One things must be clear, I am just NOT HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE DONE. AND I NEED TO REPENT AND I NEED TO RETURN ALL.

WHATS MY NEXT STEP.............

I miss Him..

Honestly after all what has happen,
tonite my eyes tears down when I heard our song. My songs.
I am keen to know does he think me,remember me, do i too much.
Instantly I dont want to call him, but I recall how was my said at first.
I should not do this, I should let it go. Believes dear S, I know....I can forget you.

But why I cant it now....believe S, you can do it. Take time, Have pleasure, I feel like want to fuck him now. Im so bad. Don't know why I used it old time. I mean it. I wanna kiss him and hug.

Then I took breath ,slowly I take all guts and eat the words. Slowly slowly....LET IT OVER S.
Whatever, you will never forget whatever things or person you loves,cares, everything was a part. Its a part of life, we cannot be apart from it. Just take and remains its on clog, gives a cuddle smile. This part is so hard.

I pray to God make us believes and make I confident on this. Just through a day without him now. And just let it be...let it go.....you the best of the best . You can handle this, your cry is true pure, so no need sad, just its a happy feeling, thats make me cry. Then, believes God, He always with you and you will find your ways to love. Amin.

Back to the future

This is my huge favouratisme movies if I wish I can watch again. Not only for the future but also to the past. But I refer this post title with my entry as back to my roomies again. As roomies just like my future. Can I represent that yet ..... or too fast to believes.
I just get back home and I see my room are all dirt and smashing around like a couch potato. So tired to clean the mess up-not to mess, for me it is.
He is waiting...i want to go to bath. a while a minute before said anything.

Gotcha!=p

Heart is never to be for 'The One'.

I read one article regarding how will you overcome on issue 'The One'. It is just a myths what was our suconcious mind picture to us. Like he is The One for ever after.
Fact,there is more than one of 'The One'. I also feel this true.

I cought him cheating on me many times. And today I believes to stop all this fake relationship.
He is not 'The One, even he tries to recite it from Matrix film. This time is present for the future,rather than what is past. I really don't know why guy keep doing good cheat on a girl he claimed he's in love. I wish I dont have to know it sometimes,but I accepted for some reason.

This should be my second broke up-I hope its much more better easier and earnest than before I been dumped. I wont let he feels like I do feel before. I will more be politely.

Because I treasure his love,and I wont hate him. I just want my life back as normal.

I very dispensable when someone lying to me, and flirt with other girl at a same time he hang with me. I dont know what wrong of him or me.

The most bad things is to love someone not loving us and letting us dreaming,than to lovings someone who said its over at beginning.

And, I gives my time thoughts. For sure, after doing some researched. I waited him so much for ready to confront and to tell its all over. For us.

What I hopes most is he got what he really want into and I got what it really has to come by.

Then I belives I wont be too much sad. As I did my best on him on every ways.

I am a just a fat girl-I want my day comes under blues everyday and each day.
Blossom grows on my present for future,while past is just a pathway I had through for not returning.

Because I am tired and at a same time I am happy I just has been home again.

Amin,