Sick am I?

What is this symptom I had for? A week I got leg pain and ache. Cant sleep well, deep hard to breath and poor my nose feeling dump. I breath too hard when I was wiping my face with toner. The alcohol contains was too heavy and make me dizzy 'flew' when I stood up in front of mirror. Then I got flue just because of that. Now like something was inside my nostrills blocked the air . Warghhhh....so tension. Forehead looks become so smaller ,in fact its not. Or maybe my eyes become more smaller? What? Why? No sleep? Huhhh..
I was so tired.Always tired. Just share this a moment. Recently,many things had happens to me. I can't quiet figure out but I keep up on it. In a while sometimes I feel I was not in this world, but more likely fly away up there.
Then,more I feel sick due to bad habit as usual. Room untidy and not can't even manage well any things. Dead woman am I. Whats a look. Looks...Oh yeah...I got new looks. I have new hair cut. Stylish , evenly alomost similar with Faizal Tahir, my lil bro got jealous of that. Ha Ha. I even can copied his sing style with this hair cut. It was unplanned and it will only be so by doing some hairy lol. The guy who cut my hair from Ipoh. Ipoh Mali. Quiet cool and pathethic. Hehehe....is it?Thanks to him.
Im going to bed. Not sure on being coming to work or not cause I got heavy now.

Amin.

Jiwa yang kosong

Baru-baru ini,fikiran ku melayang jauh di sudut hati kecilku. Hati dan jiwaku yang semakin kosong itu memekakkan sahaja perasaan itu. Seolah-olah sudah mati dibuai fikiran2 yang terganggu. Tatkala aku keseorangan,perasaan itu sering terlintas. Jadi aku takut untuk keseorangan,dan sentiasa sibukkan diri di rumah. Aku menjamah makanan yang entah keberapa kali,melayan karenah adik2 yang gila,menonton siaran berulang2,dan pertuturan ayat susun ku jua tunggang terbalik.Aku endahkan,asalkan aku masih bertahan melarikan diri.
Rupanya,aku sedar,jiwa ku masih kosong. Dan juga untuk entah kali keberapa. Aku gagal mendapat berkat ramadhan,dan aku lari dari kebenaran syawal. Aku tidak sekalipun menghayati takbir raya seperti tahun2 sudah. Benarkah aku sudah jauh ? Jiwa ku juga kosong?
Aku tak mampu menghayatinya,kerna aku mahal menjatuhkan air mata ni didepan keluarga, asal ada sahaja takbir aku tukar siaran atau buat sibuk. Malah,aku tak teringat siapa lagi aku sepatutnya aku perlu buat? Sebagai anak. Sebagai sahabat? Sebagai kakak?
Aku lari selama seminggu. Sehingga hari ni untuk memulakan kerja esok. Aku bingung kenapa jiwaku kosong. Aku sedih.

TK In The Middle

Sambil keluar lif,Laila Majnum seraya teriak kecil kepada aku untuk datang ke HR esok hari. Sempat juga kepala berdenyut aku ni berfikir persoalan-persoalan yang mungkin terjawab atau tidak dijangka pada esok hari ni. Sangkaan ku hendak ambil MC,kepala ni sakit. BP aku naik lagi ni gara2 daging dan ikan masin berlaukan sudah. Susah susah.
Baru2 ni aku rajin usha2 jobstreet nakmelobi diri. Tapi susah benar nak dicabut undi. Bilalah nak dipanggil interview. Aku tak dapat sabar nak bayangkan tinggalkan semua tu. Sebab sudah k.e.c.e.w.a, huhu.
Gaji aku postpone lagi naik sebab ada masalah,ke mana2 sahaja. Dan aku sudah tak sabar lagi nak dengar remehan HR dan Teh O tu.Salah satu jangkaan aku ialah mugkin aku tak dapat cuti selama tiga hari tu,atau sign confirmation atau maybe yang pasti kesedihan akan melanda. Aku kacau jiwa ni. Aku boring lah hidup ni. AKu masih di takuk lama, tak kenal gaji bersimpan dan usaha berbaloi lagi. Kemana kah jalan ku. Ya Allah aku payah dalam kesusahan jiwa. Benda yang aku tak mahu sekali. Dalam hidup ni. Aku mahukan ketenangan jiwa yang azali dan kerahmatan. Lebih baik dari kekayaan duit ,meskipun begitu aku nak kaya juga. Huhuhu.
AMIN. WASALAM.

For God Sake....Help Me to come out from Myself.

I could'nt even cry writing this entry .But the 'guilty feeling' reside in myself have never ended. Has never ever released to somewhere it should belong. I FEELING SO DUMP...more day now.
Why I am so addicted to it. Why? Why? I am SLUT!!!! For God Sake...please I can't beneath release upon my feelings or head either. Shit!!!
I cant stand for it. I can't lied to myself. I can't even scale the sins.It was tooo bigg.
I am died for it. Fucking to all.
Im sad, Terrific. I am lonely. Very deeply wound. Very strange feeling. Very hates myself than before. Neither to anyone to share and talk about. Its shames. And meangless lifes has clowdy in my days ahead. Seem so.I am a big girl big sin big city. I am rudeless to Him,Myself, Mom. And more I have no rules eating vows. Im just shit.
Very deeply hurt and sad........................................................................................................please let me surpressed it once to something. Please forgive me God. I cant said more.Speechless for everything I done. Im shame..................................................................................................pleaseeeee

Buka Puasa The Adventure

Nama jer adventure. Tapi makanannya tak seadventure mana pun. Lip Lap Lip Lap dah 10 hari kita berpuasa. Tapi tak sehari lagi aku rasa berjaya menunaikan amalan2 sunat dalam fardhu ini. Sedih dan kecewa. Marah dan bingung. Sebabnya aku sendiri tak tahu. Bukan tidak mahu berganjak ke surau asyik ada saja 'persetan' aku ni. Aku sedih lar kalau bulan ramdhan ni aku masih teruk lagi. Bernama manusia yang hina.
Aku ada terfikir nak letak list makan buka puasa aku tapi aku lupa dar apa yg aku makan.
Slow reaction. Hari ni special buka puasa dgn housemate punya kakak, rumah sebelah blok jer. Malu tak malu tp pasal dah tumpang kereta,wajib. One more, nilah rezeki. Betul tak. Mmm.
Aku fikir2 lah nak tidur jer malam ni.supaya esok pergi kerja dengan baik. Tapi rasa malas lar nak kerja. Kenapa. Makan banyak sudah. Aku nak bershopping tadi nak pergi Jusco tapi peleset ramai sgt orang nyer beb.
Aku blah gitu jer. Ahaks. Ni nak wat gapo sekarang ni. Malas dah nak online2 . Aku nak keluar lar. Bye.

Orang Besar Vs.Kroni

Aku tak tahu lah nak cakap dan komen..pas satu..satu hal jadi. Kenapalah manusia suka berdayus sesama sendiri. Bukankan kita dijadikan Tuhan untuk saling melengkapi dan bermanfaat bersama. Kenapa perlu ada penderhakaan,penghinaan,dengki mengkhianati dan bermuka-muka.
Kenapa perlu kita berubah balik seperti di takuk lama dan tidak menuju ke hadapan dan bersedia dengan keadaan semasa. Ada baiknya kita bersama-sama, daripada berpatah balik ke juram .
Dan akhirnya ‘saudara’ sendiri kita gadaikan untuk kepentingan tertentu.
Aku terkedu buat entah berapa kali,sejak akhir2 ini. Aku termanggu dan bingung. Aku mendapat tahu, dr sumber yg boleh dipercayai,sahabat2 sekerja yg pernah meninggalkan ofis ni,akan kembali semula. Semuanya bermula apabila ‘orang besar’ berhenti. Orang penting pula sudah mula mengerakkan langkah mengumpul kroni2 . Bangkit dan kehadapan. Aku tidak kisah. Sungguh aku tidak hairan. Aku sendiri menantikan salah seorang kepulangan kroni tersebut. Namun, aku tersentuh dengan tindak tanduk orang penting,apa yg dikatakan. Ianya seperti satu tamparan hebat bagiku. Seperti satu amaran bahawa ‘jangan bermain api’ dgn berkopiah. Aku tidak hairan. Aku tidak kisah dan endahkan semuanya. Namun aku ada juga terlintas,aku juga orang baru. Mungkin boleh jadi nasibku ditangan berkopiah itu. Apa benar? Aku benci . Ini aku tidak suka. Aku tidak suka orang membelangi aku dan berani memikirkan aku ini boleh dilakukan sedemikian. Mereka silap. Mereka salah.!!!
Pun begitu. Aku rela mencari lubang sendiri dari dipijak mati.Aku menunggu masa itu dating dengan sabar. Dengan tawakal aku hanya mahu belajar sebanyak mungkin disini.
Kemudiannya, aku mendengar bermacam2 lagi nasib malang. Aku salah seorang juga. Aku merasakan pemburuan kroni ini hanya permuafakatan dalam gunting lipatan. Permuafakatan dalam Kekronian.
Aku berdoa aku tidak goyah sekalipun aku jatuh. Bangkit dan majukan diriku seribu ratus kali dari harapan mereka. Tunjjukan mereka sekebal aku agar aku bangkit menjuarai dr mereka dari segi keihsaniah dan compension of human beliefing. I will show them Love to be kind will win and win.
No Hesitate, My destiny was not been judging by them.

Konon-kononnyer.

Halo....U are there...Buzzz...!! Konon2nyer..-aku ada member 'best' suka guna ayat ni. Konon2 nyer.
Mmm..dah jadi member plak...lepas admire. Mmm..well tx susah payah aku tunggu dia buzz aku, or ym aku dulu drpd aku . Akhirnya termakbulgak, tak sangka dia mcm nak borak best jer. Konon2 nyer lar. Kot..? Huhuhu.
Then kami cakap sikit2-belagak banyak2.
Dia send lagu raya...and purpose aku buka lagu tu time keje. Nak mati lol. Kalau new girl bisisng mulut macam ****.
Mmm..aku dgr2 ramai nak quit -reason not good performance or no 'performance'. Which one lor..?..Masalah betul, Aku bila nak cabut ni. Sayang sebab tak cukup setahun beb.
Biler lar...raya tahun depan ker...hisyk hisyk..
bila nak khawin plak....hek elek...melodrama ni,S.T.O.P.!!!

Jom mandi....

MY SEX PHILOSOPHY

What make us think when this word-S.E.X. come to our's mind. ? Does there is a different answer when its comes from gender too? Or its just a 'blow-out' word rather than sensual feelings. Yes,it is just a 'plain tone' if it was just to filling a form to stated our sex-female or male.
But,what was it about when it comes to the real 'SEX'. Man and woman -sexual relationship. Does SEX really seem like that or more?
SEX is SEX. SEX is FUCKING, or SEX is LOVE.
There's is a few situation. Let's examine.
First, if you have been intercourse it with your's boyfriend/girlfriend-regardless fun or not. Does it really worth for the moment. Do SEX drive you or FUCKING drive you. Think about it.
Some may claimed it was LOVE. Thats was what our mommy and daddy tought and shows to us. Both are living together,and love,and birth,and sex.In all, it was a LOVE. And there's still want to pointed out LOVE IS BLIND. Think twice.
And if it was just a one night stand. Does this was a great comfort zone? Lets, called it one buck fuck.Why not? We drive it. After all,if we were one of the situation, we may consider ourselves.
All of us just drive SEX for nothing. I am human.And of course SEX drive me too.
But,please concise me to make this judgement.
As a woman,sex could be my no.2 priority generally. Or lower than that for some girl outside.
And maybe no.1.I am asean,not to be judge as a white people who are more 'open' on this issue.
But are more pleased to stand and point out my views about it. I know and I want.
Importantly,for me to having a SEX with a right man to be loved for and worthy to be.
He maybe just a nerdy as newspaper seller or even to a body-builder. The things thats was coming inside was just more than fucking. Wonder!!!
Its not my wish-when someone ask me for it. Or when I wish it too. I will always reminds myself.There's is always more SEX appeal to be joy for rather real or not.
Being a virgin just not a hope,or to show off in my environment living. But its more as a principle-philosophy of me. Im not fucking lust,slut,or jerk.
As long as I was not into that.I consider myself as grateful. And I have never think that I was narrow minded. Cause after all,you can't imagine how was imaginative I am.
Just to remind,this post was not to shout out the SEX is NO, or SEX is FUCKING.
But rather as SEX is YES,and SEX is someone ideality to show her/himself of being together with. Be what yourself wanted to be,not what we want people wanted to adore us. Be SEX with someone more 'accurate' in 'accurate' time. Make yourself a higvalue SEX drive. Not a SLUT of it. Got it. You will realized when it's comes to your turn. When,SEX giving you nothing.

Be Judgemental. Thanks.

Kerjaku BERTAMBAH-TAMBAH....!!!

Kalau hari2 minggu sebelum ni, aku akan ke Mid Valley. Sekarang aku lebih banyak masa berada di Ofis.Kerja diatas meja aku tak pernah surut.Tak sempat ku follow-up,datang yang lain untuk up-to-date. Tak sempat ku selak ketepi,datang yang lain 'mengganggu'. Rupanya, beginilah 'hidup bergaji' seorang pekerja diatas meja bersegi. Sayangnbya,soal gaji masih tergantung. Kadang2 ada juga aku memikirkan untuk memutuskan tali gantung tu. ASAP!!

Aku dapat satu kerja extra dari Humty Dumty-kerja milik anak syarikat. Tapi kenapa aku yg kena buat. Walaupun ada sedikit pengetahuan tapi sedikit gaji tak memadai memujuk hatiku. Sudahlah aku ditipunya naik gaji. Kenapa tidak minta sahaja orang 'sana' shj buat. Tahupun, kami di'sini' loagi baik dari sana. Entah sedar ketidak lagi. Boleh pujuk aku buat-cakap dgn perlahan. Ok.Fine. I am good one. Of course Tin Kemik boleh buat. Tapi Tin ad abyk kerja -so minta delayed. Taknak pula.

Dimintanya datang Ahad. Cuti pun diselidik. Annual leave pun bersengketa. Susahnya.

Tin.Cepat bangun dan lari.OK!!!!

Hero-Hero Moden Drama Melayu

This new guys yang sedang naik...I salute to his acting. Not too bad, he has a good sense of emosional and feeling in his drama. First,I noticed him in Sindarella.He's just look very typical in acting,still new and blurred. Yet, I don't have a 'qualification' to talk more about him as I dont know him well and since when he was in this industry also I do not have the answer for it. So my comment solely based on as a typical fan for TV shows.

In Sindarella I rasa dia ni ada jer rupa, but perhaps lakonan maybe as second man jer. But I was wrong,bila I tengok ceritanyer dalam NurKasih,mungkin garapan pengarah dan penerbit Khabir Bhatia which we-Malay people sedia maklum how was KB shows for Malay cerekarama but this time NurKasih was quiet different and I gives applaused for it.

I dont have time to made a research on him background-and I hopes so. He cought my interest because he reminds me to my admirer. I did secret admirer one guy just looks like him in my class. He better off to be with others girl than me. I know.

Just I do a guy like him-smart and casual. Is Remy also appear to be so? I dont know.

But lately, we has a lot of Hero Melayu naik dalam filem dan drama-drama. Among are Fizow Omar,Adi Putra,Kamal Adli(Hero BioNik),Ery Putra,Fahrin,Zack X Factor,Aron Aziz.

Rasanya2 dalam kalangan ni siapakah yang layak digelar Hero Drama? Because, I lihat they all just ahve a looks not to consider the talented one. Maybe I nak puji Zack, since dah jadi pengganti AC Mizal untuk lakonan2 TV2 Hero Drama bawah arahan sekutu 'ala-ala macam gerak khas'. Penggunaan Bahasa Malaysia dia pun dapat tingkatkan.

Yang lain, Fahrin and Aron Aziz is best to rate. Ery Putra asyik2 bawa gaya muka sama, and cebikan kening ala-ala Shah Rukh Khan. Yang lain harap muka. But, still wish them all the best and may succesful in their careers.

P/S: Mungkin Zul Yahya Kaber Hero Kaber Zero. Nerdy one.

Will He Make a U-Turn?

Remember Jolie? I did mention about Jolie in this old post blog. About how was myself into him,and also,about how was he did a quick resign in the office. I didn't purposely brought up this name,as he was not my favour anymore. Though myself has already forgot what have he said to me. Just a few days,Snow white told me that the 'return' of him could be in a corner.

What? I am shocked and really blur-not only despite of the 'return',but more. Could it be more badly news from this if Humty Dumty heard about it,or the rest knows it-all. All appears in my minds,was he will be able to have a good 'shit' after all what he throw to us. Was he is really a money-face. Was he really knows how was he so spoilt and ruins the clouds within he's ego.

The ego which was he 's really proud to 'back off' from the company. Restless.

It stopped until there. And I heard ours' ED did call him to joint back the company,regardless the power of ED-I am sure Humty Dumty may flown away too. And me,no have respect to him.

I dont like him suddenly after all what I had seen the 'remarkable left'.So,the form had been filled-up,and the possition is new. I hope everything was ok for me,if he make a 'u-turn'.

And there's is no 'bluffing' words he spread or what. He's jerk,He's no shame and he was just a squid. For me from now on.

P/S: The squid was really a good dishes for me.

KING KONG

I first watched this movie in cinema. Somewhere around plaza complex in Seremban, with my uncle and nephew during my stay there.

It was a great to rate by mean-neglected the facts 'King Kong' loves. The part where Ann Darrow and King Kong enjoying sunset-awesome me,if I were able to do so with someone to love.

Suddenly. it reminds me to the comments of the King of Bollywood,SRK,who did claimed it was just a kind of nonsense King Kong fell in love with a blonde woman. This is just a 'return critism' after himself also have been critized by Hollywood on one of his film too. I did read this about, but forget where does the source is. Correct me if I'm wrong.

My opinion,regardless how nonsense,or how believeable it can be or not,it was just a 'big' film on year 2005,after all that's what we call a 'film'. I enjoying and feel the sad between the 'big' Ape itself with Ann. Another remarkable movies from Hollywood by Peter Jackson.

Could be this is how was PJ 'benchmark' himself - just what he did in The Lords of the Rings.

Between the believable and nonsense- there is a 'woah' sound come out from our's mouth, the eager mind wonder what will be happening-is just a nice feeling to have rather than a melodrama 'film'.

Confession in Conformation

I have been called to Humty Dumty room,and he shocked me by reading one-by-one of my appraisal form in between i was still under prohibition. The new girl,she hired which we believes was his colleague in previous employment too was there. Seem like too conspiracy to be there early in the morning. So,while his was judging me and given some point with reason to be marked so,I listen carefully which room I need to improves. And by the way,new girl was beside me listening too and joted some in her red small book.
I smile seeing both and this situation make me a confusion worst when suddenly Humty Dumty suddenly pronounced to make this confirmation early and is due out by the HR. He urges me to be sign and along the time he saying what was the opportunity I might unseen in this company. He sounds very proudly to be heard by someone who hoping the boss is planning to upfront us. However,I insist to be remain silent. I was too 'pop' what was I heard.
For me,theres must be a reason on all of this. Since, a lot have tender recently. One of that could be yesterday-which I was suddenly not as usual in a good mood when that new girl came by and ask me regarding some report which need to be expected come out by me. And this report was really 'hacks'. It's should be in end of the cloud after we already confirm what it's should be. Just a double work.
Instead of easily received the document, i feel sacks,as it was 7.00pm late evening,and I was just feeling been useless to be there in that moment time. So, i did raise my voice to my colleague who sit beside me. I am sayin if there will like if suddenly I come out with a report-which is a tender. Hopefully they will knows me well. I believe the new girl may heard this and she was suddenly appear in the door and look us. I ignore her.
Just tommorow-early in a morning I was been called. Just only to be confirmation.
And despite my dillema-in between of either I was really sure to commit here for another half year or maybe end to 2 years.Thus is it reallyworthy for me? In this hotel industry?...Was really annoyed me.
I havent make up my mind. And yet still waiting the answer from others parties. But at end I admit I feel I should be here because I already been favourable with the family and work -the environment. Even the task work was completely is my big dillema either it was worthy for me or not-yet I still believes thats hopefully I get some others better offer.
On paid and improves my financial lacks. Yet it is the most and wont let me feel guilty. However,why is the hardest question for me to answer them.
So, when confront them about this here is our dialouges:

Humty Dumty:

We really appreciates your attitudes and I do find you can be somebody up here. You just need a room to improves and we will be glad to teach you and guide you. .(Meaning for me I was very good to be trustworthy for a moment time for them in term conduct the work without refusal)

New Girl:

You have a degree,and you come from an external background,and u pick up our needs and understand what we want-easily talk and understand what we want.(Meaning for me I was just nothing yet for them)

Then I silent......which at end....all this sense words was not really reflects with what they mentioned earlier when reads my appraisal form just now. I have been critized much more and never yet satisfied them.

At end...I soundly.

I:

Sir,may I ask for something-if possible there is a confirmation for me.Could I ask for a raise paid.(And I ask for a thousand seven possible which I request at a time I been recruit but did not get it as a reason I still new)

Both was ok....listen...and...

Humty Dumty:

Im not sure is there mention in the employment contract rates and I will relook after it and discuss it about to HR.(Still very dangerous,as I know they wont do it)

New Girl:

Listen

I:

And sir, please,I think I need a weeks to think it of.Please let me reconsider it.

Humty Dumty&Girl:

SHOCK !!!!...HUH!!!..Why what was happen....you dont want to get to confirm....you are geeting sick of this all this work..company...or what..?

I:

No....silent...No....and silent.

Humty Dumty:

(His raise his voices and harsh me ...pushing me...treaten me) as if I was not just his only hopes. I can go if I want and he can make to live even theres is a case before likely.

His pointing fingers in front of me....just feeling unsecured ....yet he urges me to let him know my by confirmation asap-by tomorrow or 2 days. Otherwise,he will already get someone.

And I:

Suddenly was feeling so loose.With a word his punch me. Neither a power he dont gives me a chances to be politely thinking for a day.Then I said...Ok...you can find other...and I out.

I see you later sir.

With tears...not sad..just tension..and i released it at a staircase.

New girl come by and chase me out. At a same time I can heard she was complaint to Humty Dumty that he was too overly react. And make such a cold turkey.

And I was crying in front of her.Sadness. And blindness what was happen just now was wrong and she asking me why I am crying do I feel guilty. I am .I feel guilt to be here now in front of this hack.

But actually we make up and talk what was about I am worrying much. And not all was true. As its lies behind my mind. And at last when we meet Humty Dumty again he apologizes me.And he was at end of word..so u want to be confirm.

As I dont want it to be cloudly. I said Yes.Ok.

Still he insist was it today or Friday. New girl rush this on me. Today..she loudly sound. And at a time I knows there was just worry if I will going out this company within 7 days rather than one month notice period if I was been confirmed. And they just trapped me.

I feel dumped. I dont want to fight and long neck with them. Its enough. It was actually my worst action. And I blame myself. I dont feel happy as what has already happen. Now..do the tear really captures their sympathize or just look me more weaker.

Guys,one of the reason they want me to be here, just to be post as a GL for the company and replace KR.Which the ones I always hatred most the situation to be in.Then she was just an old woman which I agreed most she is suit one to be there after what she had through. Im not even strong to betrayed her by replace the job as far i was listen what she feels and gives her back rub. And get a lesson from her. After what we all had gone through and on what the company jeopardizes her ages -due to her ages54 so thas why she cant be permanent,and also using me to cut cost. With unrevealed ability I haven't proof for moment. This is a dillema.

I wish I hope I feel I should go. But where?

SINGLE AND HAPPY BUT CAN'T SLEEP.

Itsn't weird to post this title....(I was thinkin).But,it seem not to be for me now.The tiltle single and happy was me. Unfluctuated just like an economy crisis. But I just can't sleep. Why. I was so tired but can't sleep. Is it becoz I'm full,or thirst. Huhuhu. I ate domino pizza-supposely to be very familiar for my weekend job. But I didnt think I will go for it for time being. Eating pizza while looking on a website on how to loss fat-at least make a considerable and can be forgive.
Aye.
Then, I'm run a burn-out cd-hopefully to be sleepless tonite. And now.....what was happen. I still cant sleep and thinking bout the golden falls.
I know. I should do what I suppose to do.At least it burn my headache. Aye. Till that my eyes will close.
Follow me. Bye.

Neverending Story

If I was there...I will scream happily...more!!!

Aku suka sangat tengok cerita ni-Never ending story.Aku dah download 9 siri dalam you tube.
Cerita ni aku tengok sekali jer dalam tv,time budak. Pastu aku tunggu2 tak pernah keluar dalam tv. Cerita pasal budak laki baca buku atas loteng sekolah.Munkin sebab nilah,banyak pengaruh aku berimaginasi masa kecik2. Macam realiti jer.
Aku gembira aku dapat download and dapat tengok cerita ni. Aku barujer tengok. Epi semacam. Tapi tak sehappy masa kecik2. Bila aku tengok sekarang aku pun pelik kenapa lah aku suka cerita ni.Hehehe..sebab nampak sangat kartunnya dan tak real bila anjing tu terbang kat awan. Maybe budak tak semua tu.Mereka tak berfikir macam kita.

Bila something yg seronok cukuplah.Hehe.

Kita yang semakin matang ni jer yang tak puas2 nak puas.
Well,bila balik kat rumah mak semalam aku buka astro ada cerita John Rambo.Ni lagi satu cerita feveret aku time kecil.Time ni aku fikir hero akulah rambo dan dialah paling hensem dari arnold. Haha.Bila aku tengok rambo tu,aku tak nak laki macam tu.Hahahahaha.
Pelik tapi benar. Well, cuti dua harini betul2 manfaat dengan tengok cerita2 feveret time kecil.
Aku cuma nak cari vcd Micheal Jackson bila dapat gaji rabu ni....mmmm......boleh menari dalam tandas nanti .(Hihihi).

Aku nak basuh baju kemas bilik siap kerja. Segarnya bangun tidur ni.

Unpaid leave for interview.

Feel great this morning -woke up almost at 09.30am but the interview appointment will be conduct at 10.15am.Luckily I made it by taxi and the company is nearest by. But the most one reason, because there is not traffic.Fuhh.
The interview session was ok.Just a words.And to confide them to hired me and why I was thinking to moveout from the hotel. Huhuhu.This was pretty hard,Luckily the exam just have 2 question not like before I attend which requires me almost 7 essay question.Die Hard dude.
I took unpaid leave today,as I was just under prohibiton, and dont thinks to taking an MC just pretend in front of doctor -doc,Im sick.What the hell.I'm sick. Ya. You sick.Hehe.
I dont prefer meet a doc whenever I sick,either more I'm not.So,Humty Dumty suspected me I did went to interview. Hardly,I lied to Humty Dumty,Sir-is a personal family matters which requires my attention.And urgently,needed to back to my home town mallaca.Ahaks.
So, I heard he ask my seniors to look after me either I was going to interview. Hahaaha..Thats funny. I never known Humty Dumty 'loves' me much.
Yuks.He even ask me to do his personal thing last day-Humty Dumty was looking after the Julies,but she's on leave, And come meet me asking if I was free?...I said no.Repeat. I said no sir.
Wow.So rude am I,Suddenly I feel.But its just heritates me,a while. Then,Humty Dumty urges me to follow up.I did.
He gives me a bunch money and ask can you help to deposited it.
Wow-its working hours.Not relates to work.Its personal.And I was thinking doesn't he knows to use maybank2 u system.Humty Dumty sat on a wall. Just like a phrase I wonder.

I accept.Because I loves outing a while when working hours. Hahahaha.
Luckily I did this,so I fill a form of unpaid leave and he approved.Paid the deeds.(Intentionally)

So,I dont have to folllow the 7 days procedure lead time to approve.Yea Yea.

P/S-I been promised by the interviewer they will call me back after 2 weeks. I dont thjink so I succeed after taking too much time for considering me.Its ok Its alright. Maybe I been destined with this industry.If it was so. I will rethink back. Ameen.

My Explaination

Almost everyday I asked myself why did I ended like this? What is wrong with me? Or what will I be heading on? But,I wont find those explaination. Even closely.
I am 23 years. A stage which i believed a common puzzle feeling stopped by and rest in my mind.I have a lot of this feeling lately.About work,sex,man,woman,workmates,office,home,
money,future,friendship,dream and most oof this i rank it as very sensation to my desires.
Because I think much. And the most is my work. Did I do a right job for future holds me? Did I find out the true? Its much horrible rather than to seek a soulmate.Is there a different between them.Sure.But why wasn't I feel a right one now.To consider satisfied.
At glance I look on my table, I rememberized on how I feel at first time I was been interviewed. I still can feel the feeling on how ambitious I am about my future.Iwas totally prepare 110% to heading on more over the table. I was lucky to have the feeling at that time and I found much lucky they granted me.Despite that, I am also believes that my feeling was true.
Now,I dont know where the feeling goes by. I feel half-empty and sad. Is it because of paid,energy,burn out,or what ever reason. One reason I scared most in my industry was I could been known by him or his mate which may reveals my identity. The most sacry for my part to triggers in lifes,is my sin. My soul sin. My mistake.
And I believes I should go. Far from this. I hope I find my destination cos I am toot ired to stop at anywhere station. I prayed for fullest happiness in love and life. Regards to my devoteness on Him. Ameen.

Vindicated

Sgt marah dan bengang macam bangang jer rasa tak reti nak isi borang SPA tu. Dah sejam. Berapa kali ditolaknya kata aku kena isi qualification sedangkan dah memang dua itujer aku ada-sijil SPM and Degree. Sebelum ni aku keyed in form tu taklar sebangang tu. Okje boleh akses ke next form. Macam biasa gak diisinya.Ni bukan internet problem because I still can akses other pages. Badly.Lain kali jgn hantar surat kat rumah suruh isi kalau page macam ****.
Call my mom to ask the letter did SPA sent-but failed to locate it. Just now beria. Eee...bengang betul lar.Lain kali jangan buka surat tu,kalau dah tak tahu mana nak letak. I always consider everythin mine was personal and I dont like they opened it even though it was just a KWSP statement or whatever as long as my name they refer. But,mom like that. Always what mine is her personal too. I dont like. I dont know why I feel this. I know I should'nt. But what to said.(I rarely hate to said this word)-Just like we cant change and commit just on like that. Let be. Shit. Now,makin marah dgn portal SPA tu dgn Mom.
As what was happen to me, in office with Humty Dumty. He did'nt know any.Just give a ball and push. Come on baby..Tendang. Oh shit dude.Well...there is always a reason for something that do not happen as it should be and also there is also sometime no reason for something that should not be. So Humty Dumty put me in this kind of situation. I can't stand for some state. Because I do feel bad,inner,guilt,and stupid.None make me proud of myself. After I discover or by hook and crook at the end I will feel the same.
So, I hesitate him to sign the document for this moment as I dont like to carry the burden on. And what will be happen next also still burdening me.But I keep it in my heart.
I never realise what will I gain from it. And can't think of it. Its just a feelin was gone of me. I cant feel me.What I want.And why I want them.
So,today embarks me with new shock.I accidentally ask him to sign my MC-and please dont ask me for anything or I will take MC again.It is was bullshit.But considering an award for me and sarcastic for him.But...as I said.Why I want them.
Yesterday and before also bears me with this situation. For moment,I even have a time to revise my plan.So,I do keep walk.But never seen the stair.I stuck.
Mom Sorry.Humty Dumty Tx.Me Cry.Fell it.

MJ (R.I.P)-You Are Not Alone

Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

'Lone, 'lone
Why, 'lone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...

P/S: Suddenly and weird I do like him most after what had happen to him. I feel sorry to his family and pray for R.I.P. In fact, He is a singer that charms me with a "World Song" when I was kid.

Cerita Lepas Balik Dari...Interview

I was been called for an interview today. I set my appointment at 5pm. So, I will get to manage to rush after 4.pm.to clock out(but I clok out 3.58 pm). Two of my closed fren theres know my appointment and also KR,as I can't run from her.
The appointment was so 'big' for me. Too 'much' for a mean time or whatever I don't know the feeling now. It's almost just likely I was feeling bad on it. Either I was too much or too low.
Get the felling was so uneasy for me.
Yes, i were just not prepared for everything at all.Seem like I was just a kid without a toys and seeing people play ball.I come at 4.58. They gave me 3 letters with each got double sided. One is my details, one is my role model, ones is my ability to assessed the problem.
I was thinking it not like this. So, Ok LOL . I will answer, then ( I believed I make them waited).
Then, when the interview was almost start. My hand colds,head also can't think anything.

Three of the HOD come and interview me. The HR, seem dont have any question for me, they look like 50-50 to me. Huhuhu. I was thinking why they called me ma.If just wanna assesed me.
I am not good yet. I feeling that now.. I feel dump.Huhuhuhu.

They just wanted see me maybe. Huhuhu.Why Why. I tak tahu .

I memang ada pernah wish dlm hidup, harap 2 aku ada peluang untuk jadi top management. As internal audit in Risk.But I dont know anything. I tak nak cakap ar.....I dah puas hambur kat my mom by phone. I nak tidur.....huuhuhuhu

Aku marah

Aku menulis dr ofis lg,satu tempat yg bahaya.Gusar identiti blog atau akses ke internet ni dapat diselongkar oleh Hard disk kat sini.Walaupun, external HD nya bg can,kat aku tembus firewallnyer aku masih tak puas.
Aku benci konkongan dan sokongan yg palsu.Uwekk...!!
Hari ni cadang nak balik umah mak,tp hati aku tgh feelin 'poyo' sekarang.
Entah kenapa harini marah semcm dgn KR tu.
Kerja aku tergendala lg sebab soalan KR kat Humty Dumty.Semua org kat ofis ni bangang lagi siput.****
Ya Allah,aku sedih sebenarnya sebab aku rasa mcm tak cukup bagus lg, mcm banyak yg aku tak dapat lg dan kenapa kenapa kenapa?
Aku susah betul nak mencari ilmu sesorang kat sini. Masa masuk pon ilmu takj diturunkan sepenuhnya.
Well,Anu kata everyopne should get a opportunity.Is This My OPPORTUNITY.
Well..aku rasa mcm selain lar.Sebab dahlar aku trerkontang kanting, ramai pulayg menyembunyikan sesuatu dr aku semacam aku ni hilangke dunia mana. Dunia ku sendiri.Ya aku kerja aku kerja .Tapi masih tak cukup.
Tapi mcm mana pulak hidup ku.
Agama dan bangsa ? Aku perlu positif. Aku akan kuat berusaha. dan cemerlang kan ilham ku. Ya Allah.........Luaskan ilmuku.Tundukkan aku dgn kuasa,jgn gilakan aku dan tamakkan aku dgn duniawi. Matikan aku dlm iman. Aku nak lari sekejap...
Ok.Time to smokin. Huhuhuhu..am I???..Apa aku kata ni...aku gila dah.

Doa sebelum Tidur

Ya Allah,ampunkan lah dosaku yang begitu banyak dan hina ini,
Ampunkan sucikan aku bak baru melihat dunia,
Bebaskan lah aku dari semua 'ini',Ya Allah,
Aku lemah,aku sedih,aku daif dan zalim dengan diriku,dengan Mu,dan keluarga ku,
Bebaskanlah aku dari penghinaan ini,bebaskan lah ,
Aku merayu merintih padamu Ya Allah,
ketemukan ku pada seseorang,ketemukanlah mati hidupku,
ketemukanlah perjuanganku,aku lemah dan tidak terdaya,
Aku seorang di dunia ni Ya Allah.
Ya Allah,Ya Rahman,Ya Rahim,Aku ketandusan.
Luaskan aku dengan rezeki dan zatmu Ya Allah.
Golongkan aku gologan yg diterima taubatnya,
Matikan aku dengan ISLAM.ISLAM.ISLAM.dan IMAN.
Jadikan diriku masyur dengan agamamu,ilmuku didada ditambah.
DENGAN IKHLAS YA ALLAH,SEGENGAM KU DOA,BULAT HATIKU,TETAPKAN SYAHADAT KU,JAUHKAN AKU DR ZINA,JAUHKAN AKU DR KEMUNGKARAN MU.
AKU TAKUT PADA DIRIKU SENDIRI,AKU TAKUT KAN KAMU YA ALLAH.
TAKUTKAN AZABMU.AKU LEMAH.AKU LEMAH.TUNJUKKAN LAH AKU JALAN.
AKU MAHU KEBAHAGIAAN DI DUNIA DAN AKHIRAT INI..............................TERCIPTA.
AMIN................................................

Pictures

Tengok2 dalam folder pictures dalam laptop ni,teringat kawan2 aku yg baik,yg jahat,and semua macam lar,yg aku terasa hati,yg aku sayang,but its all fall in one name.A memorable memory.
Oh....how sweet,sometimes macam nak masa tu berputar balik dan buat benda yg betul that time.Like say more polite and dont make them sad. But,let ogne be bygone.Kan?
Once aku susah nak keep dlm frenship ni,is a lasting relationship.Memang aku ni choosy sikit nak picky who fren can be lastiing with me.I dunno.Because,i takut ramai sgt tahu siapa diri sebenar.Sebab tu aku dah drop frenster,and mcm lg.So aku teruskan berblogging.Pasal aku rasa puas bercerita pasal diri aku sebenar.
Aku ada fikir nak buat blog baru real me.But no need lar,cos mcm nak tunjuk plak kat dunia who am i.Padahal.....aku pon tak tahu sape aku.
Yg penting aku nak ubah sikap,jd lebih maju berdaya saing dan jimat cermat. Dalam segi kerja aku nak kejar samapi ke tangga atas,insyaalah,cukup ilmu dan iman yg teratyas,so aku tak salah jalankan tanggungjawabku.
Cukup iman dan samapi jodoh harap aku dapat kawin dgn org yg setia dan bahagia dgn ku.Penting tu.
Duit dan harta datang bersama2 dengan syukur,amin.
Mak kena jaga.Rumah dan pelaburan kena beli.Kesihatan kena jaga
So...nak tidur dulu...esok nak bangun susah lak kul 5.
wslm

Lipas

Aku barujer melakukan pembunuhan yg terancang dan kejam. Pantas,dan perlahan aku bunuh mangsa aku dengan ridsect.Hahaha...

Sial ko lipas, macam mana boleh ada kat bilik,tepi tilam,nasib baik aku perasan,kalau tak malam ni aku tidur bertemankan dia...E...geli mak.

Bilik aku sudah dikemas bagi bersih wangi pun boleh sesat lipas ni.Aku tak suka,housemate bilik aku ni kotor,mesti dari sana,takpun kat bilik air,dah lar sebelah,tingkap pun maybe lipas tu masuk.Pelik,lipas2 yg datang kat bilik aku mesti macam dah nak mampusker,tempangker,macam pelarian lar.Tapi ingat ape,aku nak tumpangkan,parasit!!!!

Aku bunuh adalarr....Aku gelikan ko lipas.Cinabeng!!

Housemate aku memang tengah kemas bilik dia tadi time aku balik,lipas tu agaknya menyorok masuk bilik aku...pasal aku tgk macam nak mampus dah...mustahil lar aku tidur semalam lanyak dia..sebab aku tidur luar depan tv semalam...

Tolong lar aku geli lipas.Aku tak boleh terima binatang ni. Pengalaman aku dengan lipas sebelum ni cukup lar:

1)Timetu aku kecil,umur 7 tahun,tengah baring ats tilam tengah2 ruang tamu,boleh atas kipas siling tu,lipas tu terbang 360darjah...mak pula pi kejar dengan penutup bekas sepit kain,aku kat tengah2.Cuba banyangkan...lipas tu jatuh ker...kat cipap aku ker...hehehe...aku cekup selubung diri aku mcm mumia dengan cadar..huhuhu..

2)Pengalaman kedua,aku termakan lipas,nasib baik anak lipas,pasal lipas tu sedap dalam ikan masak kicap opah,semua orang lari dr aku dan keep ejek.....aku makan lipas...huhuhu..terseksa aku.....

3)Pengalaman 3,kat tempat tusyen sekolah agama,sekolah tumpang lar,bukan belajar agamapun.Ada lipas masuk terbang2 kesana kesini,dalam banyak 2 budak kat situ,dia landing betul2 atas kepala aku,jatuh pi bahu,pi lengan,sampai kaku aku pegang pensel,huahuahauahauahua.....besar siot......habis aku digelakkan.

4)Pengalaman 4,adik aku takutkan aku dengan lipas,time tu aku syok2 baring dah kenyang makan tgk tv,rupanye dia tipu aku,kena penyepak and penampar.Siap.hehehhe......Tambah lagi makian aku......huhuhu..memang kejam..tp nak hidup...dengan aman...kena ajar budak2 ni.

5)Pengalaman 5,aku balik keje,penat,sampai tertido atas katil,selalunya aku nak tidur luar,dalam bilik panas,aku rasa ada benda panjat hidung aku,mcm mimpi,aku tolak punya tolak,kat mata plak nya sangkut,so aku terbuka sikit,aku nampak kaki lipas tu,apa lagi,macam robot aku boleh nbangun serta merta,segar bugar,tolak lipas tu,pastu lari pi cuci muka mcm nak letak clorox jer,kejut mak aku,ada lipas suh bunuh,kalau tak aku tak tidur.Huhuhuhu

6)Pengalaman 6,aku barujer nak masuk tidur,time masa kat U,nampak lipas kat katil kawan aku,langsung aku keluar bilik,tidur kat ruang tamu bilik tv sampai pagi,sampai,seminggu hidup tak tenang nak cari lipas tu....belajar pun lari library....ntah mana lipas tu...susah hidup dalam trauma....lhuhuhuhu

7)pengalaman 7,tgk tv ngan kawan2 kat ruang tamu,ada lipas terbang,landing betul2 kat lutut aku,apa lagi melatah Pukimak.....huhuhuhu.......habis depa gelak...

Jadi,Persetan kan ko lipas,aku jumpa aku bunuh bagi terbelah 4.....huhuhuhuhu

Haroun Peranchis

Mungkin hari ini Hari Bapa dan banyak orang menceritakannya,maka hati aku membenarkan je ingatan pada abah. Biasanya hari-hari yg berlalu,tak akan sebegitu mudah aku kisah siapa abah dihati ini. Sebab dia tak pernah muncul sebagai seorang bapa yg betul dlm hidup aku. Dan aku sudah lali dengan itu. Aku akur dia mungkin seorang bapa yg hebat,tetapi aku lebih akur dia malang sebab tidak mengenali anak-anaknya. Mungkin dia tak pernah terfikir bahawa dia mempunyai anak2 baik yg akan menyayanginya.Tapi sungguh malang,apabila tiba2 shj,aku tak 'gah' menagih doa untuknya lg.Berbeza dengan dulu.

Mungkin selama dua tahun ini,aku membisukan diriku dengan tidak bercerita kisahnya kepada sesiapa,aku mahu supaya malam ni akan terkubur bersama cerita ini.Supaya tidak perlu lagi aku bercerita kepada sesiapa,seperti terkuburnya jasadnya.Seperti mana2 malam yg menemaninya sebelum ini dan begitu jugalah malam yang sunyi ini menemaniku.

Aku anak yang naif,sunyi,dan tidak mengharapkan apa2 dr org tua,kecuali perlindungan dan kasih sayang.Aku lahir di dunia ini bagaikan satu amanah yang ku pikul,tetapi dugaan hidup ini lebih berat lagi dipikul.Lagi hebat dugaan ku,lagi banyak yang kurintang dan optimisku mudah getar.

Aku kenal abahku bukan semenjak lahir.Dia hadir tika aku dihujung tanduk dalam keluarga.Tika aku mula berteka-teki yg lelaki bersamaku dan ibuku selama ni,lelaki yg menunjukan sifat dominan tidak sukanya padaku,bukanlah abahku sebenar.Memang sah tekaan ku,selama ini aku memakan hati,dan kerana mak aku bisukan sahaja.

Tatkala aku rasa terpinggir,dengan mudah mereka bermesra. Tiba-tiba,Abah muncul. Pelik tp benar,itulah hari yg paling bahagia bgku.Biarpun pahit,bila mak dengan lembut berkata,"Inilah abah aku sebenar",kerana kebenaran memanglah pahit.Tp abah datang tepat pada waktunya.

Aku suka.Aku suka aku ada abah,akhirnya.Aku hebohkan kepada kawan2 bahawasanya aku ada abah,dan segala soalan mereka terjawab selamani,kenapa bapaku sebelum in,tak membelikan aku itu dan ini,kenapa namanya berbeza dengan apa yg ku dibintikan,segalanya hampir terjawab.Aku bukan anaknya.Tp sangkaan ku abahku sebenar bukanlah seperti abah yg lain.

Dia org hebat.Semua org kenalnya,katanya lagak macam perdana menteri.Ideanya tersembunyi tajam dan kejam.Mungkin sebab dia sekutu politik,aku kisahkan juga.Dia org kuat.Dia busy.Dia macam2 lagi.Dan dia sakit.Ye.Sakit.

Hari aku mengenalinya,adalah hari baru dia melihat ku.Dia datang menjemput ku ke kampung.

Dia hebahkan kepada org kampung,kenalannya,bangganya mcm riuh sekampung kerana 'telur ayam'.Tp aku telur ayam yg busuk.

Mungkin dia gembira,mungkin dia sedih,dlm kehidupan ini.Kerana dia sudah menempuhi pelbagai dugaan hingga ke Peranchis.Aku tidak pernah tahu.Pernah ketika dulu, dia cuba menidakkan aku utk tidak terus tinggal bersamanya bg mengelak dr hasutan nenek.Aku juga tidak mahu.

Sebab aku mahu tinggal bersama mak.Masih jelas lg keadaan itu dlm kepalaku.Nenek bermati2 meminjam telefon rumah jiran,pangillan ke Kuala Lumpur,untuk mak,hanya semata2 alasan nenek akan memberi aku wang,emas,makan yang hebat dari mak.Aku bodoh,iakan shj,sebab aku ada abah tika itu.Abah akan jaga aku.Aku tahu abah akan bawaku jumpa mak.Tp abah lari ke pondok bas seberang.Aku terlari2 anak mencari abah dan mak.Aku diberi dua pilihan. Daifnya aku,sebagai anak.Mengapa mereka kejam.Meletakkan aku sedemikian.

Abah menitis air mata,aku tak tahu.Aku putuskan untuk balik,biarpun mereka tahan aku selama beberapa hari.Aku berjaya membuatkan seluruh kaum Haroun membenci aku,Ya.Aku anak emak.Emak tidak boleh dibeli,mereka tidak boleh membeli aku juga.

Selama hidup susah dan senang bersama emak,dan berpindah randah.Memang Tuhan adil,membenarkan kesempatan aku berjumpa abah.Tetapi,aku boleh berkira2.Kami jumpa selang 3 -4 tahun sekali.Puratanya lebih kurang 6-8 kali sepanjang hidupku. Semuanya perjumpaan yg dirancang,dicari dan dipertemukan oleh pakcik ataupun abang aku sendiri. Senang sahaja,mereka akan cari aku melalui mak,sebab mak akan selalu berhubung dgn opah,dan mesej ringkas mereka ialah."Sheila,abah nak jumpa".

Begitu jualah dengan semua kaum kerabat Haroun Peranchis,kurasakan mereka semuanya sekutu.Tiada konsep keluarga bersama,atau kasih berterusan. Entah apa yang mereka tahu tentang kasih sayang.Aku teruja jikalau dapat mesej begitu.

Terujanya aku,sebab,aku mencari peluang melarikan diri dr masalah dirumah.

Maka kedatanganku pula hanya untuk meminta segalanya dan menjadi segalanya yg sepatutnya miliku tetapi dirampas dr takdir.Aku bermain dengan takdir ku sendiri.Aku meraskan sendiri bagaimana jika takdirku disebelah tangan abah pula,selain mak.Ya,hebat.Aku suka.Sebab abah banyak kenalan,banyak ruangnya,banyak ekspresinya,banyak duitnya,banyak yg aku tak dapat bersama mak.

Aku anak yg nakal.Aku pijak dan bermain dengan tahiku sendiri.Aku meludah kesana-sini,dan pulang ke mak semula setiap kali.Aku rasa hebat,takdir disana,dan aku rasa naif takdir disini. Namun,aku tunjangkan mak segalanya,sebab aku anak mak.Aku habiskan duit bersama darjatku,bukan seperti Haroun.Aku pegang janjiku hinggalah Haroun tiada lagi,duitnya bukan hilang untukku,tapi untuk dunia,duitnya adalah 'maruahnya'.Sebaliknya,aku tidak pernah tahu maruahnya,dan dengan sebab itulah,aku tidak kisahkan duitnya lagi.Duit yg datang itu hanya sebelah mata bagiku,sebelah lagi hilang bersama maruahnya.

Aku sedih bila terfikirkan aku tergamak berfikir begini.Tetapi,aku puas,sebab inilah dunia. Roda permainan perasaan.Dia juga bersalah kepadaku,bila meninggalkan aku.Bila mengherdik aku orang miskin,bila membanggakan hartanya,bila menayangkan jaguhnya,bila menidakkan aku anaknya,tatkala buat pertama kali aku datang ikhlas dan insaf untuk menjaganya dan mengenal bapa sendiri satu tika dulu.Sebab aku tahu masanya tidak ada lagi.

Aku tahu aku tidak mampu dan mahu lagi menjaganya di kemudian hari,melihat dan berjumpa lagi hartanya,harta yang tidak seberapa.Sedangkan akulah hartanya yg sebenar ini sudah pudar dikikis olehnya.

Sebab itu aku bersedia,dari awal,aku tahu dia akan pergi,dan aku berjanji mungkin hari yg menjelang tidak lg sukar seperti sekarang. Kerana aku sudah lali,adanya dia atau tiada di kemudian,hanya sama sahaja momentum itu bgku.

Malang,aku juadahkan botol arak malam pemergiannya.Abangku juadahkan consolenya.

Dia mati sendirian di hotel,kerana dia meninggalkan kami semuanya sendirian,dan benar sangkaan ku selama ni yg dia akan sendirian selamanya.

Panggilan telefon dari mak saudara,bahawa abah sudah tiada,disambut dengan perkataan "O.K" sahaja dariku,lalu ku tutupkan telinga.Keluar dan bangun dari tidur,lari dari masalah,aku jalan perlahan2 keluar,dari bilik. Bangunan asrama yang tidak berpenghuni itu,kerana cuti semester.Tatkala aku disitu,kerana bekerja,aku memukul dan menumbuk dinding.Air mataku tiba2 mengalir,berkaca2,dadaku seperti dirobek,dicalar,dan dicakar,

Dengan perlahan aku berkata,kenapa abah pergi dulu.Dan bukan nya aku,bagaimana aku nak membalas perbuatannya,baginya merasa kehilangan orang,memberitahunya betapa sayangnya aku padanya lebih dari pertemuan kami,betapa bodohnya dia meninggalkan aku.

Aku balik.Sepanjang malam,dan esok dan esok aku menangis di bahu emak. Kenapa aku begitu sayangkan dia.?Kenapa aku menipu diriku selama ni? Kenapa aku gah berkata yg aku tidak akan menyesal jika dia pergi? Melodrama aku terjawab. Aku sebenarnya sangat sangat menyayanginya biarpun dia pernah melukakan aku. Tapi aku tak bisa dan tak gah memanjatkan doa.Kerana hati aku keras.Aku kasihankan dia.Abah yang tidak bernama dalam hidup.Dan kematiannya yang sunyi. Sunyi juga doaku untuk mu.Maafkan aku.

Aku menyayangi dalam penyesalan.Susah dihuraikan.Susah lagi bahu ini memikul. Semoga kau di dalam lingkungan mereka yg mendapat pengampunan dr Allah s.w.t. Sedikit bayang sahaja aku minta,bukannya mimpi.Bukannya hartamu.Bayang mu sahaja.Sebab aku tak pernah merasa lebih dari itu,aku tidak pernah memelukmu,mencium dahi mu,tanganmu.Aku cuma mengejar bayangmu selalu.Kerana aku akan ekori dan berhenti seketika sambil tersenyum.Tatkala itu baru aku tersedar, kau masih abah yang ku benci,sayang dan suka.Tapi bukan doaku.Kerana aku daif.Kerana aku tahu aku ada mak sekarang.Maaf.

Amin.Amin.Amin.

Don't Ask Me,Don't Bother Me.

Don't Ask my past just because you want to know me.

Since,KR has sitted Jolie place,the past weeks was a shit for me. Because, I hated to answering her about my personal,what I was thinking to heading on? Why I was here? What am I thinking on later? Why was so? What are kind of person am I? Am I reading? You knows about blablabla.....? Who is my family? What is my background,ability and so on?..Oh...shit.

It's doesn't meant I dont like her.But she seem to getting the title now.Everyone or whoever seems seeing me as an object to answering theirs thought trough an open-air discussion about me,my past.Just go to Hell.It seem just like Oh.I do not have the answer for you and I am not interested seeing you as a one of list name that I should accounted for to shares my past, KR.

And more you just shows off with me,telling what kind of person are you.A physco? That was what I see in you. Just a weird borned-mom to share ideas about me.Who are you to tell me what I meant for you. What I did and said? What is getting yours ears and mouth to be sarcastic in not a right place and time.I am just tired playing this melodrama with you.

I am busy,and when work is in my mind.Particular,I do not know who am I.In past or future.

What was make me sick of you,you like to shows thats you are good,you knows everything,you knows me well....Ohhh...I hate this most. You do not know me.And let me tell this to everyone.Not even one person than my mom knows me in real.And stop thinking that I was followers of you. Uhhhh...I dont like to be judges.I dont like your voice,your lough,and everything idea you put on me to describe about me!!!

Seem all was a good sound,but,I can feel you wanna share your life with me,You already getting told me who are you and what is your background.And you likely to share a ideas about someone treated you which I felt its not same to be. But you denied me that I was backing up the people.
Hey. I dont compliments with thats. I dont judges person by thats. I dont look world like what you are.

I honours some advise you did gave to me,and I also hates some ways. If there is a melodrama, I will,as I will,because my mom never tought me to be disrespect with an older person. Because I know I will be old too.And I do not want it happens to my family.But please,stop nagging to me about your past,my present,your works load,yours complaints, because I feel sick and uncomfort to work in my areas. I feel dizzy aired.

I promised to myself I will show you what Im best on. Sometimes,I admit I have to shows off back to you,so you can keep silent. Because, I hated when you said,wanna see my resume, wanna heard my sarcastic comments,wanna knows about me,I was a wrong person when someone wanna be 'shared' all the things with me.It wastefull my time.

Nasib atau Pilihan

Kali ini aku nak cerita dua kaitan ni dalam hidup yang sememangnya aku fikir akulah penentunya,sebab kan aku yang memilih jalan nya. Memang Tuhan yang menentukan. Dua fakta yang kebetulan sama.
Harini,aku berjaya basuh kain.Hehe.Mcm sebelum ni tak berjaya.Maksud aku,berjaya melawan malas dan settlekan misi. Misi gunting rambut ni aku nak tunggu gaji pi saloon.Misi kemas bilik baru separuh.Ni bukan kali ke2-entah keberapa 6 or 7 kali ni aku ubah. Aku perseptif. Lain dari yang lain. Selalu nakkan perubahan dan identiti baru. So,far aku puas hati dengan gubahan bilik ni.Belum sudut barang dan bukujer.
Misi badan berbau ni.Memang malu nak cakap.Aku diberitahu oleh KR,yag Jolie pernah kaata dengan boss,jangan confirmkan kerja untuk aku sebab badan aku berbau.Oh..tidak...sangka. Akhirnya aku di situasi yg paling org tak suka nak dengar. Tapi KR,maklumkan dia baru jer tahu dari Kajol,kelmarin.Aku positif.Aku tahu. Tidak mati pun dan aku perlu tingkatkan prestasi ini.
So,KR kata memang kadang2 ada so,kenapa akuni,tak sedar rupanye.Kadang2 takda. Mungkin yg ada tu,time aku busy ker,berpeluh ker,or entah apa2.Aku malu.Memang malu. Sebab aku perempuan.Lemah.Dan Jolie yang rasa.Oh.Dunia kelam. Aku tahu jangan lah ambil hati,fakta pun,KR pun kata begitu.So,ok.Aku positif lagi. Aku bersihkan diriku betul2 lebih dari sebelum ni. Bukannya aku tak mandi sebelum ini,bukannya aku tak bubuh perfume segantang. Tapi dari mana pula datang bau badan aku ni.Huhuhuhu.Aku fikirkan siang rupanya mendung.Bagiku. Ini adalah pengajaran yang paling bermakna,sangat2 berharga,seseorang menegur kesilapan ku. Baok aku akui,aku sabar,aku terima dan redha. Aku akan berubah.Aku akan naik.Demi diriku yang begitu berharga aku akan berusaha. Menjadikan diriku wangi.Hehe.Menjadikan aku lebih kemas dan bersih.Amin.Terima Kasih KR.

Misi

Misi aku pukul 7.30 ptg ni-start ubah kedudukan barang2 dalam bilik.and kemas 100%....full of energy.
Misi aku kedua...nak gunting rambut esok.
Misi aku ketiga...nak hilang bau badan.
Misi aku keempat....Rajin bekerja.
Yarh yarh yarh.....mula.mula...1,2,3,......

My Love Stories

I may be lie with this title heading-because I never having real 100% love to feel on and taste.

My first love (real passion) could be with my economic lecture-a smart and a sarcastic man. This love is past and I can define it just as a rarely happen. The most where I can't take off his eyes, his speech,his voices,his steps and he sights. Everything was heart beaten for me.Then I forgot when its gone when suddenly there is another girl spying him too with a love letters dump in on his table where whole the college has the rumours.

Others than this could be a monkey loves where i experience it as real.Means real boy. Real situation and not just me the player. But yet,I forgot them all and feel sorry.

Well,the most man come were not I expected.Murat.He comes in my lifes since I was in college and I dont know why I am so excel in cupid net love.Its started with chatting which I was totally beginner of this world.And I was so stupid,dump,hustle with it. He damn me after seing me,after I sent his my picture.I sent two.Once where I was now,and another was when I was 7,which I think the most chubby and cute I do most have instead my look now.And what happen, after almost 1 year,he damn me just like that.He did give me his picture,but i can't remmeber where is it.Once only that time,he sent me a letter and picture while I sent him a picture too. I guess I maybe sent to him back.All. Even the email inbox I replied to him back together. All the sweer loves and words.I was so naive about this chat loves was nothing actually.But he was my real teens loves tahts time and i did not know how come I take encounter in lifes. So,he did sent his forgivenes with a word said me as ugly and not for him.Sending also a song...of The reason by hoobastank. Its not fair.Because until now almost 4 years I still remembering him.and I dunt know why Im too loyal too him and naive of this love.And at this stage I still believe I am ugly and no man will like me. No man will come to me. No man will not dump me in later. The stage he left me is the bad stage where I was in first year in my university,where I did not turn up as good. Suddenly all drop.My study and lifes was so bad. Even friends too. So I was symphathy to myself where I cant find a ways. I was just wonder if he just a same guy who said lovely words to me.If he also a same gu y who probably a same desire guy I chat. Suddenly I was not myself after this incident.I was totally freaky of chat and dump in anyone I like. I make love and went far.I chat everything with guy and shows everything.Does he wants same.So he did dump me. I am stupid for him.and forever.Where are you murat.

Aku tak demam pulak

Hehe...hey tahu tak aku berjaya buat muka tempe seposen kat Sir minta balik awal. Dengan muka taugeh ni,aku cakap Sir saya nak balik awal tak sihat. Pukul 6 aku berjaya lepaskan diri kat belakang out the way, coming babe. My tilam and bantal busuk lar. Then aku teringat nak makan tempe.Pergi cari kat JUSCO tak jumpa lak. Aku balik tengok bilik macam bangsal monyet jer.Huhuhu..nak kemas malas. Dah makan ubat ni nak pengsan lagi.Macam nak ambil MC,esok malas nak kerja but.....huhuhu... Ok lah nak tidur lepas tengok Mentor ni.

Aku demam

Pagi tadi walaupun terketar2 keluar toilet,aku redhakan ajer pergi kerja. So, aku boleh cuti 27hb nanti. Satu hari aku tak online,aku tidir dari pukul 4 ptg sampai lah ni. Aku ingat nak tengok cerekarama TV3. Aku pon nak update blog ni pasal aku ni yg demam. Tadi aku dapat pelepasan pergi doktor.Poliklinik Bandar kat Bukit Bintang. Tak best betul jumpa doktor kalau bukan sebab sakit ni. So,tadi doktor buat ujian urine kat aku. Fuhhh....nasib baik tak dialisis sbg diabetes, seen like BP aku naik 150/101. Huhuhu. So,dr. suh and paksa gak aku makan ubat tu. Aku tak suka.Tak nak. Aku tetap tak nak.

Why.Malas nak follow up after one week my BP. Aku tahu aku memang ada since 12 years old. My doktor time tu cek I,time I nak derma darah. Aku mulanya susah nak percaya. Then after that, time study,stress nak exam,aku tetap tak nak makan ubat. Walaupun Dr.suruh. Alasan aku takut bergantung sgt kat ubat tu. Sebab pernah aku termakan juga nasihat Dr. so aku amik juga makan. Terlepas aku makan sekali, terus aku rebah nak ke kelas. Apa lagi darah dah naik kat kepala. Wuhh....

Lagipun cost lagi. Huhuhu. Aku nak tidurlah rehat since esok aku ada schedule kat MV. Aku kena pergi sebab sekarang busy gile. So, aku nak rehat sebab dah mengantuk balik makan ubat ni. Tak jadi ar tengok Tv. Tutup Tv tutup mata.

Pecah Rahsia

Tadi KR cakap aku naif. Muka innocent. Aku berbisik "Eh, dia ni psikik ke psiko ni'. Paling tak suka aku bila dinilai. Lg2 dari dia. Dah Tuhan bagi muka aku macam ni. Karang list segala kejahatan aku 'kejung' dengar. Well, as I said-aku ni full of imperfectionist. Everyone ada bad and good side. Actually,memang seronok bila muka kita ni nampak innocent, tp aku tak suka dgr sebab bila kenang2kan apa orang2 yang dah buat silap or jahat kat aku. Adakah muka innocent ni yg bg peluang kat dorang? Tu yg bengang. Tu lar setiap kali,dgr,innocent,naive,good person, boring plus geram mcm celaka and kelakar gak.
But sometimes,memang ada kebenarannya plak,sebab aku ni ramai yang cepat suka and kesian.
So,untuk menegakkan aku tak lah sebaif yg dorang fikir. Aku terpaksa bagitahu sedikit latar belakang aku. Baru terkejut diaorang dengar. Bukan apa, aku dah tahu. Once org fikir aku naif, mudah dorang gelak2kan aku or aku ni kira list last lar kalau nak ajak nak wat 'jahat'. Buduh!
Pastu,akan sering dicomparekan and think yg aku ni baik lar. Terseksa gak jd org baik ni walaupun sebenarnye itulah azam aku sampai mati. Sangat susah.
Sedikit pendedaahan latar belakang,mcm how my mom jaga i too discipline,my family divorce,and my mom trustworthy also as a adequate why should i represent not naif kan.
Hai...actually. Aku paling tak suka nak cerita family background kat sesapa.
First they will sad,thank,appraise...or sad again. Then,aku tak suka sebab its very private. I dont like to repeat and remember all those bad and sad memories. Just a rubbish for me.
Hanya Tuhan yg tahu betapa 'baik' aku. Sedangkan aku sendiri pun dah mula tak suka diri akuni. Sebab, aku lah manusia yang mungkin 200% tak perfect.
So, am i good. No. None. Nonsense.
But,I dah langgar prinsip I, due to my family background story. I dah pecah rahsia. Actually I was thought I tak akan cerita apa2 pasal I bila datang sini. I just wanna be a new one.
So, mypresent pon dah tak betul and tak sure am I heading correct one. Or turning down. So sad,restless,and bad mouth. Please forget everything. Dont be sad to me. I am nothing cos Im none.Amin.

Just wanted Kiss Him...

Dear Diary, He left. He gone. He is not more here. We celebrate him. Making a 'saddy' poor farewell. Poor him. Well just in a time of not appropriate. Humty Dumty was there, and almost everyone, but maybe AP not there,his quite close friend. So, we did look, we did said (in heart), we did share the feeling, we did enjoy. And I dont know how much I am going to missing him after this. And KR overtake, i do not know how much I am going to stay also. And works and friends keep delightful for me. Just in a matter of money and love. So I did put a message in his card leave, i wish to said remember me always. Only me. Not dare. I am not awaited much to meet him in future. He smile. He word sarcastic melted my heart. His ways.

Well, I am thinking to kiss him on cheek. Jolie. Best of wishes. Love your bad side.

11.06.2009

I just draw a pic-I keep draw by paint program in my laptop even I m tired. I was just waiting the internet connection to drop this entry. Luckily almost finish, the connection tied up. Well, I just phone my M friend who the one I told before being hauted spirit,she seem ok and luckily she did not mad at me yet due to Sunday matter. I was ignoring her cause I giving customer to dine in inside instead of nearest open table. Well, I feeling fresh after called her now Im sleepy. I was reminding myself tomorrow is Jolie last day. Would I and her keep in touch. I was suddenly text her but not reach. So, something means I should not. Well, I am guessing did she will say to me something last. At last.

See.My drawing. Is it nice to be in the art class must be they cooked boiled Mushroom soup. MMMM...Yummy..Oh....I am sleepy..better get to bed.

See ya.

Two day vs. today stories.

Well, what was happen to me for the last two days was a terrific beginning of this month. Can u guys imagine how tired am I on this. With continuity part time schedule -Sir called me to ask a favour for coming on Saturday. Reason due to shortage people, with too much ordering, busy, noisy and fucking complaint more than '15 minutes'.
On that saturday night, after work, I manage to get back to my home townshend, sending a folower to Mom, and having supper her cooks. Telur sambal. Tasteful. It has been long time we did not eat together. (Just saying)
Mean time, I was fucking trying calling STEPHY , a celcom promoter. Mobile no 012-7273063, but cant get through. Keep saying untraced by the operator. Does she's hell fucking with her phone. Really makes me mad because being lied. She did not register my simcard postpaid yet I already paid RM50. Pukimak.!!!!
Ok.Stop call her. I am calling Sir claimed to be late clock-in, yet so it cost me RM17.00 for the taxi fare.

Well, on sunday it was most terrible. A friend suddenly faint and being haunted by spiritual demon. Noises and crowded in the kitchen,fell,kick,shout, and nearby customer table to the pantry station did aware the situation. Seem, there is a lot of guys acted like traditional doctor or bodyguard but useless,all the security pakcik and abang cannot do anything.

So, I guess, my mood on that time was also completely blind,unsoulful,tiredness, and woresome, with fucking arabic customer table 31. Imagine only me myself, tracking all customer to table and taking order with my legs pain and thigh hurt. Due to pressure. While the rest watched a drama in the kithen. What and Why. I do not know. So, i keep working until closing. No more bus. And again, I return taxies, and thats costs me RM17 again. What a bunch of money flown away from my pocket just on fare.

Today.This morning, while i am in office, I was pretty much rushing to prepare three reports to tied up with some figures. Upon receive my friends calling and text, ask a favour to translate some word into english. Its kind of not a happy help I was offer because I feel they just ask me a favour on their gains only. Did not turn up on the rest days. Bad lol. What a bad day having knows the facts for a Monday morning and even not in a mood as my legs still pain. I'm feeling I was nothing for a while. As per conversation with KR during lunch sometimes do humilates and downed me. But I do not know why was she so too 'clear' with me. She advising me where I should be stand for and chances to my achievement and real paid. Well, I do not denied for what she saying. But she is 200% confident.Nevermind I got see what in turn. I dunno. Now, i feel naked. Yes I am. Just a feeling of porn. Released me out of this confussion of the situation.

More on me this week

Dear diary,
This week totally the best,because I'm manage to recover my laptop and it cost me a lot. And its paid and worth afterwhile I'm thinking when I got Mr.A cell phone number. He is the manager of the said computer shop,where I did sent to recover. Well, I just flirty with smart guy and 'cool' to lick. Hehe. Well....thats come into another part.Ok.I'm happy to make a new friendship with him.
Just now,he remid me to update the antivirus he didi stall,however,I still can't manage it even to install messenger. Theres something wrong,I guess even the connection was connected.
In office, Im becoming more clear on my part and getting know the pathway. Just curious, on a matter about new Humty Dumty,which must frustrated us. He too jerk to me and for others he is just a rubbish mind with smelly sound. He just make us busy too much with ridiculous wishes and order without a good sound to do so. I dont know until when we will be face him off and I can stand from my safe zone to be disrupted inadequately. Sometimes,I do feel than I was not here, or am I doing a right decision to be here. One reason,I do stay,due to my end-meat reason of paycheck. And I need money to recover my liabilities almost for 3 months. What the hell am I doing so far is just make me sick when I'm thinking of it. A sad. A regretfull. A sin. A bulk stupid.
I dont know why I was misfortune my own fated by myself. I wont tell it now diary.
Just my today entry, was to thank to my Lord for giving me an opportunity. And new life. I guess.
And more, Jolie is already spring cleaning his desk. Keeping his belongings into a box and just thinking what was inside a box which may might surprise me and reveal him. I was planning to come early tomorrow and get it fix. It's secret diary. Hehe.U know.
And again what happen to me now, will be reveal on future. Bye.

Bye Boss...

Today is my boss last day in our ofice,she will leave us for a better offer to another place.Most adoreable,and superman is there. Wah..talking bout him,i met someone alike him,in a bus,lol. Exactly. And most handsome than the superman. Again my notty eyes....tuuutt..Yet then i was asleep a while,very tired woresome.I remember my promise.That I wont look another eyes or spying someone again,otherwise i will get into trouble as before. So just wanna let to know that this week tiredness is maximum cos i sleep unwell,and feeling unwell just like a unwell songs.
I got awaken at 1 a.m,4 a.m,5a.m, so as well lately I'm back home late from office,make me get a headache. Moreover with some fuckin bills and problem here. Now i wrote from my office, im not used to it. As, my laptop was broke down. huhuhu.......so sad. Its has a lot of viruses.
Im feel sad,plus,tired,plus worried money.
So i guess why I was so troublesome FOR THIS MONTH.
Well,im gonna said goodbye to Boss and Jolie,who will follow up next.
May both of you find the right way and be blessed.
Bye Boss.

Go!!

Dear Diary,
Dunno why much of this time now i mostly feel freak to someone. So, i keep charming up my self with a word 'Takpelar' or Nevermind. Why so...sleeping is yet too hard to me now, its not more bout him..or her..Just I really feel lonely.
I missed much my mom, and family and ....so, for a more than 3 days continuously,im easily woke up at 3 or 4 am. Wondering why i was here?..Lol??..Funny.
Wondering when its 5am..wondering why I woke.up...earlier..why my sleep easily disrupted now.
Then everday wondering why jobs too much pending. Why I'm here...Please God shows me a loves.
Well..Jolie also wondering rather to go or stay....Why u just play around.
I dunno my heart...whispered you better go. Even I'm the one, who wish you stay. Now, realease my heart -GO!!!!!!.Cos,i feel if u here,I wont be rush over you.

Why They Should Paid Waitress More?

Waiter and waitress is a person whose nearest with the customer/guest in the table,while taking an order or even a smile greeting welcome. We noted with thanks for them, (and me of course),and cannot deny for the ages of this century there is a lot of fast foods/stalls rapidly growth-in fact,need them.I have seen the trend that some Malaysian,are most likely to do their part time jobs as waitress rather than promoter. Why is so? One reason,could be a tips they will may get it or food instead.
While most foreign/franchise employed waiter/waitress with basic high paid rate/per hours than locally. Most highly paid may reach to RM5.50 such as DOME,STARBUKS and etc. The minimum was RM3.50. This second sound bit sad. Which most favourable to KFC ,DOMINO, MC'DONALDS,PIZZA HUT,SHAKEY, DUNKIN DONUTS.(as general rate knowledge)
Reason,there is no more reliable to paid us with RM3.50/hour for this century as cost of living is much of that. Roughly,the management people should realize this as a basic to understand the business way. Why they should paid us more than that?..Here's the fact.

1) We been standing more than 8 hours and rushing there and here.
2)Crazy tired,with leg pain,or back pain.
3)Sometime may did work which not related to us, such as,have to keep on eyes the customer child a while,cleaning services,or even have to deliver to their place.
4)We been guessing my customers,and asked why and why there is no what what ..?Promotion? Not satisfied?So,we have to lied to them sometimes for the management.
5)Being a model,as we been watched by customer whose enjoying eating from behind, beside,infront and theres talking about us.
6)Endangered to customer who is unrealistic demanding person as VVIP.
7)Endangered to negative comments?
8)Being treated unfair among us.Some got tips,some not.Some much more be liked,some not.
9)Being treated as their 'orang gaji' pulak?
10)Customer rarely thanked us.We are not appreciated.

Because of this treat, better raise up the waitress minimum paid salary to RM4.(at least), or likely be happy with STARBUCK rate. Which gurantees, your turnover is lower, and your waiter/waitress smiling 24/hours. As we all happy, someone appreciated us. The term is APPRECIATED not DEMANDING.

This entry just as individual opinion. There is no urged and relates to anybody who is still alives nor death.

Soal Hati Ku..?

Hii..tulis lagi.Harini, kepala pening sejak kes semalam yang tak makan saman. Kepala berdenyut2, bawa diri lari ker tandas taruh sekapal minyak kapak pon masih berdenyut. Sampai Lunch pon aku skip pasal tak tahan,adeker nak makan nguyah2 sambil kepala nak pecah...tak bleh ar...So, aku tidur kat office jer.
Harini,last aku nak gitau.Jolie nak pergi dan memang benar sangkaan aku dari awal dan segala ramalan aku. Tapi aku sedih kenapa dia gembira sangat nak tinggalkan kami. Aku akui akan mula rasai kehilangan humor yang ada tu dan ntah apa2 lagi ntah. So, harini juga aku berjaya cakap..yang aku memang Independent sejak Malaysia merdeka.So,stop it lar ayat2 bunga Jolie nak suruh aku Independent. Now, Jolie punya tempat bakal diisi oleh teman baru untuk aku. Why not?
I am waiting the person who ever is it, so we can work together, as long as we accomplish management goals.
I was so blurred today.Maybe reason semalam or what ever,but I notice, everyone theres FOH,there are kind to me. Why lol?...They started looks me and I feel it. Like they understand me and they are helping me rather than I punya department.
Not all lar ok....its normal lar first time.
Then today is also a last goodbye to Princess Diana. I hope dia very 2 grateful this this. As I dengar dia nak kahwin thats why dia resign. But, really thankful to her, for what info she did teach me and guide me some. Somehow, its a time limits,so,we cant be knowing much each other. But I know and see ...she is kind.Dia baik.
So,if Jolie and SAKAI going as what is rumours was it is..? Will it be something interesting cought my eyes..? Anything? I hope so. Would history reflash back.

Its just a BULLSHIT STORIES.

Well...this title entry memang betul2. Time now is already 1.10am..and another 4 hours more I have to wake up to go to the work.What BULLSHIT is happening today...?
Today,in my office,MOUSE come met me and show me the pending supporting document , I should obtain from person in charge in the FOH. With unknown the real scenario and the right procedures that not being told,I with sincerity,admit it as my mistake did not realized the following turn document should come within me.So,I catch FOH,and met Dr.M.He told me that this was a last minute case,and being told by mouth to mouth only,no black and white,means no supporting document that I look forward due everyone is in 'AWARE'... So, NO.1 BULLSHIT IS why bother me to obtain it...!....BULLSHIT.
"AND PLEASE LOOK FORWARD TO SAKAI."
So,i met SAKAI,if he aware of the agreement of not issuing the black and white and what was the stories on.So SAKAI at first did not get me what I meant to.When he said.
"THE FORM WAS WITH FAN. AND RAM KNOWS THIS." SO BULLSHIT NO.2 AGAIN WHY ASK ME TO BOTHER....!!!
Again,they assure me there is nothing wrong with BOH.Its all a matter of FOH. OK. What is it?
The question is why the FOH accept the scenario without seeing any proof? AND MY QUESTION IS..THE PROOF IS BECAUSE YOU ALL BULLSHIT...!!!!

Again,I'm sorry to be feeling and saying this.Come on guys, you all just play 'dick that not going to be stim' on me.....Got it..?
I know I am a new person and you all wanna whatever seeing how me react or deal...you are wrong because its just not fair to assess me with a condition that u give me which is not in a condition...Think it logically.
NO QUESTION PLEASE....WHY FOH DID NOT ASK THE PROOF...I JUST NEW (AS AN OUTSIDER OPINION) CAN SEE IT CLEARLY.THAT'S IS ALL BULLSHIT.

Here's the condition. The right procedure is whatever blah blah blah,but when the first already did not started it with the right and you can give some excuse on that, why not at the end ,the coming should be an excuse too.I'm not kindly blind to all be given an excuse. But only for this situation,in which the situation that FAN and RAM,aware it.And also SAKAI,started it. Why, ask me to solved it. And bullshit running figure out whose the play actors.....Hey come on....
You all SIT TOO MUCH ON that chair that makes your MIND SLEEPING...OR DEAD...???
I know I must be firm, and angry and fierce. As you wish. But not as my wish. I'm still on learning. and you all also on learning on me,seeing me or pying me is not a ways at all. Im finish when I FINISH it real.
I wont like to follow all what you guys put me in the shoes,I'm entertain to find out why it was happen. Not just get 100% opinion from all of u. Because I do know somehow, there must be something wrong first. Then I'm just a starter pack-wont like coming to them and make firm as gives a signal to them that they must beware on me. So afraid. Its not a point. I wanna knows How they work,to be kind and respect them,getting the right procedures,opinion and ways before jumping on it and accused someone for not enough evidence or it was my false.

When,the false was found at our part, we should admit. Not blows up. Its bad and sad.
(WE ALWAYS POINTED FINGER TO SOMEONE,BUT SOMEHOW,THE FOURS FINGER RETURN TO US).
This is the bullshit.

Yes,I admit it was FOH-not questionable.
Yes,I see it was BOH THAT UNRELIABLE QUESTION.
Yes,I SEE IT ALL THE BULLSHIT.

Dear, Im really mad to them,COS,PURE HEART HAS LOST HERE. GOD,HELP ME BRING THEM BACK. I WONT CARE HOW MATTER IS IT,I WILL,SHOW THEM. PUTTING ME ON SOMEHOW NOT YOU'RE RELIABLE,I WILL ASSURE BLOWN AWAY.

Scenarios
SAKAI call FOH,speaking to not in charge people,and mouth to mouth,come to DDR2,DDR2 aware with not black and white,so aware, DR.M,DR.M,aware and ready.When SAKAI2 come, they got it without seing the proof,and knocked it off bill under CL.When its come to CL.its not me OK.......WOKE UP...!!!!!!!!
PLAYING LION WITH MOUSE...HOWS MALAYSIAN STORIES BULLSHIT IS OVER....!!!

Regards,
S2H

MY MOM DAY

Hi...Back to write more about me.But this entry I just wanna let u all know bout my Mom.
She is a wonderful mom and probably the most person knows me how complicated I am.
Sure,she knows bout my mistake a lot.(As,we cant run from our Mom normally)...after God.
Yesterday,was vesak day(Wesak day)and I was in my holiday.So I run to my house after I went from my work.It took me almost 1 hour.I took a cab and drop at Carrefour,buying some groceries.
That probably could be consider what I could give for a mothers day. Actually. I will celebrates mothers day everyday I met her.Like buying something for her-food or give some money. Previously,I did bought some chocolate 2 boxes.And she was so happy,because her favourates.
I did early,because,I wont get to celebrates the day,as today,I was schedule to working.

I hopes THE BEST PRESENT I CAN GIVES HER,WAS A BEST MAN I WILL BE MARRIED, and I believed it too that this was her hopes.Because,I know,she wont go for my money,or her favourate chocolate,or even some thing,but more on what on my future. Because she insisted to make me feel so.I know she was not so lucky,with a man she has now.Or whatever,reason it was, I was just not much await,to have a good and high class life,so I would share everything to with her.Cos, I know she don't want me to leaves her behind..after what everybody did to her.
And me too,feel very guilty for everything I had done to her.Because,much I did was just a reason to be hated by her. But I do loved my Mom, she is the person I only have in this world.
She hold everything on me,I was live here and forever just for her faith.
Mom,I wish you a Happy Mother Day,for every day since u born me,until I was here and I promise I wont let you hopeless again,forgive for everything.

He's treat me well.

Hehe...today I was been busy thinking on my desk,thinking of works to be finish up yet thinking bout him,well,today I was been calling upstair to meet the new Hardisk. I were liltle blurred due to given unloaded information ..i guess hehehe,but its end up with OK...lol.
So,suddenly, today he mention somethin that I wish i didnot want to heard about it,even i guess so to be heard it soon for real. He suddenly said thats next time I have to be independence, not relying of him....and resilent back....and slowly said when I'm wanting to go out...who knows he will not be around. Huhuhu...I didnt shock but said emphaty...or sad. Yes my heart like a bulb waiting to be crashed...I was just newly to entertain there to be around with him, and all of them. Badly now everyone seem to go. Maybe today is the day he treat me well than others days.
I guess so he will leaves me. I guess so he will go it.Why now. Why we have been met and did not turn up......too long.
Too short.I always been in this situation got me confussion of needs and loves.

He went...

Hi....i notice I do think of him a lot this week ,and didn't know when it will last. I hope today. Cos I feel like i'm not interested to see him again.Cos he spoil me. Well..he went to his second 'rundisk' again...and got damn its just a place that i was hope to try before. And the first he did went was the place where the 'superman' in the bus worked there. And I do feel anxious liltle. Yes I think i spotted him nearest there. And he gone in front of the traffic. I went to bag shop. Hopefully, He didnt notice me or he did...Aiyor...lool...So afraid when comes to this part of life.Cos its my mistake.
Well, return to 'rundisk',I just hope to know, how it was going and why ? Why he wants to leaves? Cos im already happy beside him there.....and i want to know him more. Today,suddenly he did tell some about him,old fashion school memories,as I and NOD32 suddenly through talking bout it. I know he 'switch on' his ears. Cos she dandy...or...whatever...he or she...? Bad....bad...i just wanna sit and look you and chat...pls....oh no...i dont ....i wont ask that anymore. Not anymore.
S2H......woke up...from scan disk...just got damn it. If he wants to go...let him..u show yours truthly later. He will.You will also..just happy be where and believes myself i can made a history.
You for all,all for you.....cheers...(still feel wanting him stay)

I think and rethink...

I think he will go....I rethink he will leave us...

I think I hates him..I rethink I loves her...

I think Im dawn...I rethink Im nightsoul...

I think I feel him...I rethink I want to sleep with him...

I think he jerk me...I rethink I need him...

I think we will be apart...I rethink we will be far away..

I think I loves him...I rethink I was first love with him...

"Ohhh....ok"

Huhuhu...plz...tolonglah jangan hilangkan lagi orang2 yang kusayang di depan mata ku lagi, Aku sangat menyesal aku tidak mahu begini,aku mahu ubah segalanya...huhuhuhu...

Give me a light in my love so....

Dear Guy,
Give me some light in my loves so,
I can dreaming with you until tomorow,
So I can feel the warm and heat of your smile before its cold and tasteless,
So I wont regret when I cried if you go, because you left me a hopes...

Dear Lovers,
Gives me some light in my heart,
So it will live lifes longer to loves you all the days,
So it will feel your souls and lust,
Before it won't regret herself after she loves too much in you.

Dear Heart,
Come closer and whispered me, Listen my heart beat,
It just for you,it stop when its alone,
Give some light as the light will clear his mind,
and remains believes you are always in my heart,
because i see your's eyes beneath my souls,
because u show me the lights before I sleep,
and I'm afraid it remains silent when the light goes out.