If only I know where to stop

Corresponding on Monday interview, they did call me for second interview with the CEO. I don't expect it too early, as they did not tell me there is a second interview coming up. So, I can't make a wise decision. Because they just mentioned they will get back to me in one or two weeks after.
Feeling grumpy, I call mom, as she really loves to hear this kind of stories. I bet. She won't prefer me to go. Unless, it was from bank. And, I don't know what keeps her think that working in bank is GOOD. Everything is GOOD=BANK=GOOD=IM WORKING IN BANK=GOOD.(Irritates me)

If only I know where to stop this kind of 'GOOD' and start whole over again on my career field. I know I did well on the interview as I make them believe to hire me. But somehow, however, something distract me to moves my step. Those are:

1) Mom & Siblings - It's a commitment for me. And I don’t lied it is a burden. Little but undesired. Well, the paid is my consideration after all. I don't know since when this become my priority. Could it be as my repent for past, a repent for spending RM25, 000 in just a 'click time'.
So, I can get back to my track. Honestly, the guilty is the 'guiltiness'.

2) My Dream/My Desire - This is all what I want and be. All I need probably. All I hopefully.
My dream is to be bests among the people I coordinate. Of course. This range to my personality,appearance,career,professionals,and charisma. I lose on the first two. But I was try to building my third. I find it was difficult. It’s not a pain, but much. Something blocked me.
Money? Lonely? Evil?

If only prayers were answered. Then I should repent twice.

I wish on 5 years more I could earn my living of RM5-6k. Could it be? I have 5 'child'. Am I bad to think my burden is what distract my journey now. Why so. I am so sad.
That’s why I leave home and make myself earn living. By hook and crook, she is my mom. There are my siblings. Sometimes, I find myself trapped by them, like feeling horrible to be in charge/ oldest sibling -which at a same time it wasn't actually. Just fated brought it.

Can fated be changed. Can my fated been adjust? I don’t want to be here, this stood was too sorrow and deep. I clashed all my dreams and responsibility.

I know, human all it-knows that. But, cant mom is more supportive towards me. Shut up about BANK. And gratefully what I am doing in this hotel. The paid is lower compare what I have in accounting degree. But.....I am feeling great than pervious road.

I could be think that account is no more for me. Maybe I just urged myself. So why and why I had wasted 4 years in university. What I get back?

Sometime, I think world is so unfair for me. Not even once of 'pity' from God. Or luck. I harsh it up or blown it away. Fated is liable for it. I know mom helps me much, but not much. I am so poor and still poor. And they keep me poor by demanding. Where is my grandstand? Do they gives me a good living.

She marries with a 'fucked' guy. Not working and got 5 children. Not even supportive when I am going to college but then yelled back and kiss my asshole money. That’s fucking guy owed me much than the RM2000. Does he thinks I am going to be his babysitter and find money to this family as I don’t get once a prosper shirt/or money. And he can died rich with his second wife fucking in grave.

Mom ...and..she is just mouth-off. I hated.

Please ..if there is a answer for me to release this at a same time. Even I have to sacrifice my dream.


I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know I'll love forever
I know, no matter what

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day

If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear God say