Sick am I?

What is this symptom I had for? A week I got leg pain and ache. Cant sleep well, deep hard to breath and poor my nose feeling dump. I breath too hard when I was wiping my face with toner. The alcohol contains was too heavy and make me dizzy 'flew' when I stood up in front of mirror. Then I got flue just because of that. Now like something was inside my nostrills blocked the air . Warghhhh....so tension. Forehead looks become so smaller ,in fact its not. Or maybe my eyes become more smaller? What? Why? No sleep? Huhhh..
I was so tired.Always tired. Just share this a moment. Recently,many things had happens to me. I can't quiet figure out but I keep up on it. In a while sometimes I feel I was not in this world, but more likely fly away up there.
Then,more I feel sick due to bad habit as usual. Room untidy and not can't even manage well any things. Dead woman am I. Whats a look. Looks...Oh yeah...I got new looks. I have new hair cut. Stylish , evenly alomost similar with Faizal Tahir, my lil bro got jealous of that. Ha Ha. I even can copied his sing style with this hair cut. It was unplanned and it will only be so by doing some hairy lol. The guy who cut my hair from Ipoh. Ipoh Mali. Quiet cool and pathethic. Hehehe....is it?Thanks to him.
Im going to bed. Not sure on being coming to work or not cause I got heavy now.

Amin.

Jiwa yang kosong

Baru-baru ini,fikiran ku melayang jauh di sudut hati kecilku. Hati dan jiwaku yang semakin kosong itu memekakkan sahaja perasaan itu. Seolah-olah sudah mati dibuai fikiran2 yang terganggu. Tatkala aku keseorangan,perasaan itu sering terlintas. Jadi aku takut untuk keseorangan,dan sentiasa sibukkan diri di rumah. Aku menjamah makanan yang entah keberapa kali,melayan karenah adik2 yang gila,menonton siaran berulang2,dan pertuturan ayat susun ku jua tunggang terbalik.Aku endahkan,asalkan aku masih bertahan melarikan diri.
Rupanya,aku sedar,jiwa ku masih kosong. Dan juga untuk entah kali keberapa. Aku gagal mendapat berkat ramadhan,dan aku lari dari kebenaran syawal. Aku tidak sekalipun menghayati takbir raya seperti tahun2 sudah. Benarkah aku sudah jauh ? Jiwa ku juga kosong?
Aku tak mampu menghayatinya,kerna aku mahal menjatuhkan air mata ni didepan keluarga, asal ada sahaja takbir aku tukar siaran atau buat sibuk. Malah,aku tak teringat siapa lagi aku sepatutnya aku perlu buat? Sebagai anak. Sebagai sahabat? Sebagai kakak?
Aku lari selama seminggu. Sehingga hari ni untuk memulakan kerja esok. Aku bingung kenapa jiwaku kosong. Aku sedih.

TK In The Middle

Sambil keluar lif,Laila Majnum seraya teriak kecil kepada aku untuk datang ke HR esok hari. Sempat juga kepala berdenyut aku ni berfikir persoalan-persoalan yang mungkin terjawab atau tidak dijangka pada esok hari ni. Sangkaan ku hendak ambil MC,kepala ni sakit. BP aku naik lagi ni gara2 daging dan ikan masin berlaukan sudah. Susah susah.
Baru2 ni aku rajin usha2 jobstreet nakmelobi diri. Tapi susah benar nak dicabut undi. Bilalah nak dipanggil interview. Aku tak dapat sabar nak bayangkan tinggalkan semua tu. Sebab sudah k.e.c.e.w.a, huhu.
Gaji aku postpone lagi naik sebab ada masalah,ke mana2 sahaja. Dan aku sudah tak sabar lagi nak dengar remehan HR dan Teh O tu.Salah satu jangkaan aku ialah mugkin aku tak dapat cuti selama tiga hari tu,atau sign confirmation atau maybe yang pasti kesedihan akan melanda. Aku kacau jiwa ni. Aku boring lah hidup ni. AKu masih di takuk lama, tak kenal gaji bersimpan dan usaha berbaloi lagi. Kemana kah jalan ku. Ya Allah aku payah dalam kesusahan jiwa. Benda yang aku tak mahu sekali. Dalam hidup ni. Aku mahukan ketenangan jiwa yang azali dan kerahmatan. Lebih baik dari kekayaan duit ,meskipun begitu aku nak kaya juga. Huhuhu.
AMIN. WASALAM.

For God Sake....Help Me to come out from Myself.

I could'nt even cry writing this entry .But the 'guilty feeling' reside in myself have never ended. Has never ever released to somewhere it should belong. I FEELING SO DUMP...more day now.
Why I am so addicted to it. Why? Why? I am SLUT!!!! For God Sake...please I can't beneath release upon my feelings or head either. Shit!!!
I cant stand for it. I can't lied to myself. I can't even scale the sins.It was tooo bigg.
I am died for it. Fucking to all.
Im sad, Terrific. I am lonely. Very deeply wound. Very strange feeling. Very hates myself than before. Neither to anyone to share and talk about. Its shames. And meangless lifes has clowdy in my days ahead. Seem so.I am a big girl big sin big city. I am rudeless to Him,Myself, Mom. And more I have no rules eating vows. Im just shit.
Very deeply hurt and sad........................................................................................................please let me surpressed it once to something. Please forgive me God. I cant said more.Speechless for everything I done. Im shame..................................................................................................pleaseeeee