Praktikal

Ada seorang budak praktikal, dah sebulan join company aku. Girl, degree in business,Uitm Sabah roundly age 21+. Khabarnya anak buah datin, company ni. Ada aku kisah?
Masa dia mula2 join,ramai kata persis rupanya sama mcm aku. Blah lar. Mana ada. Benci betul kalau ada orang samakan muka aku dengan sesapa yang aku tak suka sgt nak berkenan. Kalau kata muka macam Angelina Jolie,tak adalah aku nak 'touch' sgt. Haha!!!
Pelik, boss aku boleh tak tahu ada budak praktikal nak join. Apa hal HR tak update boss. Lantak lah ini internal issuing problem. Malas nak join.
Aku jumpa boss aku dalam tandas, dia tanya aku samaada aku tahu hal ni. Gila nak mengaku. Aku pun berlakon lah kata tak tahu,baru tahu. 'Semalam I MC lar,I pun baru tahu tadi'.
Padahal dah 2 minggu lalu aku dah tahu dari cucu Haji. Cucu Haji nak menuntut ilmu dengan aku, kasihan terlepas. Cucu Haji pun dah naik 'title'.
Boleh Humty Dumty pun ingat budak praktikal ni aku. Snow White cerita, Humty Dumty masuk ofis nampak budak tu,terus panggil nama aku. Then, dia dah tahu dia tersalah panggil, dia boleh cover jalan terus ke meja aku di belakang. Sure, aku tak ada. MC.
Dia tanya Snow white,mana aku.' Kak xxxx takda. MC' Hehe.
Sekarang ni, budak praktikal itu aku under training dgn aku. 3 minggu. Sekejap je pejam jelik.
Aku pun ganyah dia buat report,start dr hari pertama lagi. Dan dah berceramah sudah 3 hari ni.

Kenapa? Persediaan lah. Maybe aku dah tak lama lagi akan berhijrah. So, aku nak prepare benteng lah ni.Bagi aku, dia ni biasa2 je,so far. Not my type to 'hang on'. Al maklum nama pun praktikal. So 'Optikal' je lah dahulu ye.

Lirik Lagu Opick " Bila Waktu Tlah Berakhir "

Bagaimana Kau Merasa Bangga
Akan Dunia Yg Sementara
Bagaimanakah Bila Semua
Hilang dan Pergi Meninggalkan Dirimu

Bagaimanakah Bila Saatnya
Waktu Terhenti Tak Kau Sadari
Masikah Ada Jalan Bagimu
Untuk Kembali
Mengulangkan Masa Lalu

Dunia Dipenuhi Dengan Hiasan
Semua dan Segala Yg Ada
Akan Kembali PadaNya
Bila Waktu Tlah Memenggil
Teman Sejati Hanyalah Amal
Bila Waktu Telah Terhenti
Teman Sejati Tingallah Sepi

Bila waktu Telah Berakhir

Alhamdullilah....rupanya lagu ini lagu Opick Aku dah tahu.

Aku hampir kenal suara ni sebenarnya, tapi aku lupa dimana aku pernah dengar suara dan nyanyian Assalamualaikum.


Ok.ok..Ingat lagi entri semalam.-Selagi ada waktu. Rupanya lagu tema nya ialah lagu Opick-Bila waktu Telah Berakhir. Masa aku dengar kesemua lagu2 susunan track itu, aku dapat cam 2-3 buah lagu yang memang pernah aku dah dengar . Tapi dari kumpulan mana, atau download mana, atau dimana aku dengar.
So puas aku godek susunan fail musik dalam laptop ini sampaiker download song all susunan ku rodek. Rupanya2...teduduk diam CD opick itu dalam rak musik lagu aku. Hah..
Betul betul ni. Album Opick Ya Rahman hadiah dari Gaby,kawan indonesia masa belajar. Sungguh aku terharu. Rupanya berada dekat sahaja. Tapi lagu Bila waktu telah terhenti itu tiada dalam track Ya Rahman ni, Cuma ada Assalamualaikum,Beruntunglah,Allah Cinta dan lain 2 -3.

Huhuhuhu......So...Macam mana aku boleh tahu lagu ni Opick punyer. Ok ceritanya macam ni.
Aku balik, dan aku dengar lagu ni betul2,walaupun puas aku dengar lagu ni, kat opis, meang ada setengah lagu ini aku tahu ada unsur Opick, so aku biarkan sahaja berlegar dalam fikiran.
Aku dengar lagu inisambil tulis lirik lagu ini dalam words, lirik Bila waktu terhenti macam sesuai jadi tajuk lagu ni,so aku google dalam internet.
Keluar list lagu yang hampir sama namanya bersama artis Opick, Aku buka link dan lihat lirik nya sama seperti yang aku lakarkan itu.
So. Opick lah . Alhamdullilah. Aku bersyukur sangat.

Aku memang suka sangat Opick sejak ikut lagu Obat Hati nya, lalu aku kirim lagu Opick dari kawan seberang, Tak sangka Opick mencuri hati aku lagi dengan nyanyian Ini.

Aku mahu ucapkan tahniah pada Opick kerana lagu2 yang dibawa sungguh indah maknanyer.

Alhamdullilah. Opick Usahalah lagi.

Selagi ada waktu

Aku rasa bersyukur sangat harini, akhirnya lagu yang aku cari selama ni tlahpun aku jumpa.
Drama sempena Hari Raya Aidiladha-Selagi ada waktu (2009), sangat2 menyentuh jiwa aku. Apatah lagi bila salah satu lagunya-indonesia,dialun sekali. Pengajaran drama itu untuk aku adalah sangat besar maknanya bagi pengorbanan seorg anak kepada orang tua. Sungguh. Titis air mata ini tika terlalu asyik dengan alunan tema lagu itu. Sampai digelakkan adik2. Al maklum, cerita2 genre sedih bukan pilihan dihati atau dimata, mudah sgt terleleh air mata ni. Namun aku puas seribu bahasa.

Sayang tajuk tema kumpulan nyanyian ini dan penyanyinya langsung aku tak tahu. Aku
pasti mereka mungkin bukan kumpulan yang terkenal,dan hanyalah band kecil di Indonesia. Tapi belum tentu. Mungkin salah. Sebab puas pulun aku mencari di sesawang internet, dan
Google nama dan drama ini, semata-mata untuk lebih tahu lagu ini.

Tidak sangka,ketika balik dr kerja,aku ambil teksi di Lrt Cheras,untuk kerumah, biasanya aku gah berjalan kaki ke rumah. Di dalam teksi, aku terdengar alunan lagu tema Selagi ada waktu ini, pantas aku menegur pakcik driver,aku tahu dia bukan dengar radio, tapi CD. Jadi, ku tanya, kumpulan apakah ni, dan tajuk apakah ni, ?

Sayang dia sendiri tak tahu, dia ambil dari anaknya,yang merupakan salah seorang yang terlibat dalam penyuntingan cerita ini, dan mendapat CD salinan dari anaknya sahaja. Dia kata, ini dari cerita Selagi ada waktu.

Ye. Cerita ini dah banyak komen dalam internet. Cuba google. Tapi bila google untuk tajuk lagu, keluar selagi ada rindu pulak..!!. Nehi...Wrong..

So, aku masih tak tahu tajuk lagu ni dan tak berputus asa mencari dan Google sampai dapat.

Dari penerangan pakcik teksi tu, katanya kumpulan ni taklah sefeymes macam kumpulan Samsons ker,yang melambak2 dalam internet. Entahler.

Tak sangka, setelah sebulan. Tiba2 aku ternaik lagi teksi pakcik itu tadi, aku tekad. Aku kebahkan diri dan tebalkan muka.

Pakcik, orang yang saya tanya pasal CD haritukan. Dia Ingat. Bagus. So, aku belum sempat nak minta pinjam. Dia dah keluarkan dari CD -rom radio teksi tu, lalu hulurkan aku CD-RW itu. Memang. CD . Yes. Aku senyum tergila. Hehe. Aku cakap pakcik saya mohon pinjam. Aku dapat kad pakcik itu, so esok aku akan cuba locate dia dan pulangkan semula.

Aku dah copy lagu ini dalam laptop.Jangan laptop buat hal udah. Huhuhu. Aku sangat bersyukur.

Biarpun dalam CD RW,ni,adalah salinan, dan tiada bertajuk, semuanya track order, aku yakin, aku akan tahu juga satu hari nanti tajuk lagu ni. Sekarang ni aku sedang enjoy lagu ni. Hehe.

Semua best. Lagunye ku putar2. Aku akui indonesia mempunyai banyak band2 yang jitu2 bagusnya. Tahniah dong!!!!

Salam. Amin.

It's just my luck

21st December-I woke up as usual and prepare to go to work. I can feel my chest is pain and can't breath easily. My cough hardly beat and gives my head spin each time. I can feel the temperature is slightly high. I guess I should not go to work. But I won't MC again. So, I went up too.

In office, after my morning schedule finished with the report, I went to HR and asked a copy of MC form. An approval for me to went to the nearby clinics and get the treatment. I went up to the clinics with a girl working in 5th Floor in my hotel. I discovered she just make a think to go there too, when I did said I maybe up to clinics later if she wants to locate me,after passed a report.

I get an MC from a Doc. for only a day-a day?...That's was half day only.ok Doc. I ask for tomorrow too, he refused. I dont bring gun, if I do, he already finished. Hehe.
He was too calculatives and also been known of all my collegues of this refusal attitude.
But I am really sick. really really.

Then,I showed up my face in office in half hour later,finishing up my work for Humty Dumty to sign. This is urgent for government tax return before 28th of months to Customs. Since many 'birds' on top we have to rush for a signatures,must not be late.

My friends make messy with me and asked just go home-you already got an MC. Yea...I said. I am. Please dont jealous. I just finish up one thing which is very important. Who knows, I may got ill and MC again tomorrow. Hehe.

1.00.pm-I took cab, and rush home for pills and medicines for me to get long sleep and rest.

P/S: I wear 3 clothes to sleep and no fan is on, however, I still not sweating to make me healing.

6.00pm-I woke up by my mom phone calls, my mom said Rozie call me for an accepted of job offer. Who Rozie..?.What job offer..? I apply quiet lot. But I am waiting this. Yes..Yes..Yes..
Citygroup just accept me and I got the offer for the post junior exec. I got it, mom..!!!!
Yeah...!!!!

It's was just my luck and I am happy. With this pain I carry its just feel so great with this good news. I call Rozie,and forgive for failed to contact me, I off my another no.'s phone, and I am not in good health today, thanks for call my mom and given the offer. It was a quite increased in paid in 31% with good future I will have. Dont care if the work was 'heavy' and busy as claimed by the Hiring Manager.

P/S-One thing is bothered me now, is i have to do Medical Check up....I afraid. My BP may gives some problems.

SHE 'EAT' WHAT SHE SAID

Here, one officemate doesn't really know what she said. Honestly, it is obvious, she 'shit' her words.
She is old age single mom and temporary hired under the company. Now, I just want to share my ideas about her. Not to means anythin' to blackmail or any. As a human principle, I just want to post out an inner voice.
Well, nothing best on her for me to say so in term of responsible, workaholic, and her experienced,
However, I don't hesitate to critized in her behaviour. Such as as an old mom, she quite much mumble, rumbling, and also sort of hypocrite. Then, she is also a 'rumours' bringing. Completely...
She is not as she asked us and expect to be. She said as what she 'eat' too.
Again, about her.
She showed me a budget,and clearly make me to make it confidential, not to let other knows. However, this morning, due to dissatisfied to Humty Dumty, she just reach out of point on this issue and share with Smiley. They both murmurung and just 'eat' those words..lar.
Next. As she is not a professional,she like to talk, (pleased to given advises) Huh?..I hate when I trapped in this situation. But her advises was ot welcoming, whe is not a perfect, I admit.
Not everyone is perfect, we all human. However, soem reason might fall to her, is just because, she just realized whatm good, I bet she did spoil her time when younger. She spoke to me, or any person, with very unwelcomed posession, and downgraded a person, or just like she is ready to become a
Minister. What a fuck.?
Like, if she meet you, she loves to discover yourself inner weak. By asking, your life mission, What a heck? Come on. We didnt..war. Like your interest, your profile and anything whe then will make a conclusion about your self.
What a crazy mate.....
I really dont like the attitude.
THE ATTITUDE IS WRONG. MUMBLE AND NOT HONEST WHEN INSTRUCTED TO DO SO.
I HATED HER.

I AM SORRY.

And now loves and enjoyable to be perfectonist and also a simple minded but thought she is not. She really hopefull she will be able to continues with this company, like she is ALL KNOWS.

I feel disgrated wth her. But I hpe I wont be liek her, and able to be more better person.
What I wish for me is a POLITENESS, HUMBLE, HONEST, AND HARDWORKING.

4 basic things to help me improve through my work and professionalism.

Sesungguhnya dilanda belegu keboringan

Aduh...Alah...Hisyh....Aiiiiih....Huh..?
Semuani ayat2 setan aku dari pagi ni kat ofis ni.Entah kenapa aku rasa keliru, bosan dan cela dengan semua ni. Aku bermatian tunggu panggilan interview dari Citygroup. Layak ke.Terima ke aku?
Masalah lagi KR ni ..poyo betul lar...asyik 2 berfalsafah dengan aku...huhuhu.
Matilah ...Lantak lar...pekakkan jer telinga ni...
Suka hidup mati aku ni....Arghhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aku akui gelisah ni.Tak tahu kenapa hati ni rasa x sedap dan semacam jer. Pastu aku nak buat kerja mcm x hepi seperti smlm. Then aku terfikir nasib aku yang malang ni dan kerja yang mcm cabuk jer aku buat ni. Aku layak lagi ke tempat lain rasanya ni, Huhu....Tapi aku dapat rasa KR ni bukanlah seorang supporting ...bukan aku nak dia support aku..cuma cara dia cakap tu macam bah jer...air itu ke simen...kalau bagus sgt pon takper.....lebih kurang jer..( dia kat tepi depan aku ni).....
Ni ngumpat zaman moden...hehehe....

Dahpun...macam ludah jer kot..pui.....ayat2 nye semuanya macam x patut ...semua mcm sebenarnye better untuk dia or sesuai dgn kehendak dia tu...

Sial...jer.

Mmmm....contoh2...nanti ar...malas nak tulis.

Aku nak Blah TAHU...nak BLAH DR SINI....PLEASE LAR......IM CRAZY BORED THIS BLODDY HELL.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Fuhhh..

Setahun dah berblog.

Kalau betul -dan memang betul first entri yang aku post ke blog Diari Tin Kemik ni pada 8 DECEMBER 2008. Maknanya dah setahun aku berblog kat sini. Langsung tak sedar waktu dan masa. Kalau ikutkan Selasa lepas lar 8 DECEMBER 2009. It was my blog anniversary...
Yahooooo.....congratulation and celebration!!!.... Aku tak sangka aku keep up to date dengan baik so far and keep blogging bout people around my life and my life. Hehe...Got it?

And secara kebetulan pula, 8 DECEMBER 2009-itu aku ambil leave dan hadiri interview.
Aku harap keramat lar hari tu.

Aku masih menunggu jawapan.

Untuk ucapan ulang tahun diari ni, aku nak buat wish " xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" fuhhhhhhh'

Aku mahu menjadi lebih baik dr semalam. AMIN.

OC

Harini aku cek bill seperti rutin harian, tiba-tiba aku perasan slh sorang tmpt keje aku ni dapat OC. Aku tahular, dia baru dinaikkan pangkat ke officer-siap boleh dapat OC bill lagi ker?
Aku sedih ar nape aku masih di tampuk lama. Kalau compare beban kerja and qualification better lagi aku. Or what ever lar..takkan sebab ura2 dia nak resign boss aku siap bagi bagus punyer offer. Bila pulak position aku ni nak dinaikan skill nya. Mentang2 dia kawan cucu pak haji tu.
Aku rasa memang 'double standard' ar...bukan aku nak OC.Aku akur lar aku x patut nak dengki.
Tu rezeki masing2 aku, aku cuma terkilan . Siapa lah yg nampak aku ni kat situ. Siapalah yang tahu aku ni betul2 kerja. Maybe x cukup ker lagi.?
Aku dah a-z buat. Entah lar. Lepas tu aku tengah tunggu2 ni mana lar...org nak call ni kata aku dap di offerkan kerja. Aku tunggu dgn penuh 'keluhan', Where is the call.
Kalau dlm within 2 weeks...merana.Please
Ya Allah..aku berdoa meminta engkau keajaiban untuk aku, berikan aku kerjaya yang lebih baik dari ini, apa adakah ini untuk ku, ?
Aku mohon ampun beribu ampun atas kelekaan ku melupakan mu. Aku mahu berjaya dengan benar ya allah.berikan aku semangat.
aku mahu seribu peratus mahu berubah. berikan aku peluang. Pleasseeeeeeeeeeeee.......

Kavitha ?

Waktu 7.05 pagi. Location is in my Ampang Fullhouse.

Situation : After cross the road, bus stop Sg.Putih.

Bahu dicuit oleh Indian girl, looks memang pernah aku kenal. Langsung tak perasan sesiapa kat bus stop tu, kerana kekusyukkan menunggu bas metro. =)

Dia : Are...u....SS (bukan nama sebenar)..kan?
Aku: ...Huh...ya saya....siapa? (sambil hulur tangan untuk salam)
Dia : Senyum. I ni Kavitha lar. Ingat?
Aku: (Malu kucing kurap)

Mak oi, Kavitha (Ma' Prend). Syok gile jumpa si Kavitha ni, dan tak disangka2 pula, kita bertemu di Sg Putih ni. Sg. Klang yang gland tu pun aku tak pernah jumpa sesiapa. Hehe.
Sebelum bas metro yang jauh tu sampai depan mata kitaorang, kami sempat update informasi masing2. Tentang kerja, tentang further study and of course bila jumpa je kawan lama, lain tak bukan soalan bonanza nya, U dah kahwin ke belum. Uiks..."Belum" jawapku sipu seperti siput.

Interestingly, she is now more beautiful and more outrangeous. Even married. Newly wed-couple rupanya. And currently working in one of Singapore consultation company.

Both of we heboh berborak sampai fullhouse dah bas. Very exciting story we did share,like:
-Our secondary school memory and best buddy to hang on, Suzanna. ( Where is she?)

Kavitha, Aku dan Suzanna. Tiga kawan ni, SMKTT batch kami, mesti tahu kami ni memang suka buat lawak. Kalau jumpa riuh. Sekepala mentertawakan orang dan mengejek. Kelas berbeza masa Form 4&5 tapi berbaris semasa perhimpunan bersebelahan sahaja.

Kerja kami borak dan ketawa jer time guru besar ceramah pagi.

Masa Form 2&3-Aku dengan Suzana sama kelas. Form 2 dia cikgu vokal aku. Dia yang kenalkan aku dengan kumpulan Westlife ni. Kami ada lirik Westlife-Flying without wings, time boring kami praktis. Hehe.

Masa Form 3- Aku dgn Suzana pernah kena saman dlm kelas Geografi berdiri atas kerusi sebab ketawa tak putus2. Tak boleh tahan dengan lawak2 Suzanna.

What a memorable time we have and enjoy. I dont know where she is now. I miss her la.

Actually, It's feel really great meeting old friend surprisedly. One dignity when they still remember me with full name. Not once. I don't know what picture they got me on theirs mind until can remembering me. But I loves the feelings. Aduhhh... (Aku cinta bangat kawan2 ku )

Ada incident funny time nak change no. Kavitha ni. Ini ceritanya...

Aku: U kavitha...(terdiam)...sidhu..kan?
Bantai Gelak si Kavitha. Aku pun rasa semacam je ni. Hahah...I am completely lost ....actually. Nak cover...cakap banyak tengok Bollywood. Kavitha Lakshmi sebenarnya.

Malam ni baru aku sedar apa aku cakap. Haha. Kavitha Sidhu tu pelakon/model cerita Puntianak Harum Sundal Malam. =?......=) What to said more...Haha..

My new HandPhone is TechSavvy!!

Sucks....I forgot to bring home my handset-I did left it in my office near the office telephone. Thats was my last hope to alarm me for wake me up at 6.00 0'clock in a morning.
I just realized it on my way home. And I am thinking the alternatives way.
I take my alarm table. The clock is wrong due to the needle. So, I try to break the glasses so I can fixed the needle, as the needle can only be fix by doing so. The back hole control it has lost too. What a weird clock have in my room, and I dont dump it. Luckily, but now, I cant break the glass, and the time was differ 4 hours. Means if I want to wake up at 6, it will ring at 2.am . Ohhhhh Shit....

What I am gonna to do? I see my room - I got clothes to wash on, I got things to clean up, I got math exercise to keep up, and got internet to online too.. Rating number one goes to Internet.
Can't blame technologhy. Hehe.

Well its seem a terrific night. If only technology too can make my handphone back by itself to me. Technology!! Just like this.

Come Back .....Trinity 013.....Roger and Out....( Hahaha )

Tiada jalan hendak kutuju.

Aku dah hantar cv ke banyak syarikat dan juga email kepada HR dan personal tertentu.
Aku dah set kepala aku akan pergi. Aku bingung . Tiada panggilan.
Aku kurang apa.
Aku sesat jalanku ni.

Gonna be resign but when...

Well cheers blog reader there, I just decided for not working in this Hotel anymore. Jolies is coming, Humty Dumty may be wise luck to be transfer to another sub's co. and also T is just being nice to me. Not to said, all colleuge here were all fantastic. I really find joy and laughter here. And admits it is a best medicine for me after all I run from my audit working experience.
Somehow, theres is a landside for me, I hope and wish for to move further.
I see people with financial ability with big smile in front me. Its clumpsy the vision. I should more focus. Visionlized me only.

I did went to one interview here just around a corner building. It was very not impressived at all to met the interviewer. I can see she not even interested on me, Blindly I admit - It was just like captured a dead fish feeling.

I did try another banking sector here, instead of my aunty recommendation. I asked the despatch in my company here to drop the letter into the red box.
I was not happy, when I just found out he did not send yet.It is still in his pouch bag. I swear I see it. But he completely denied. What a shame I have to rush him and seek the truth. I dont like people lied me. Just said I'm sorry I forgot. I will dump in later.

What's a blind people....here..!!

Then, I did plan some application in coming weeks. Theres is a career fair ahead soon. I will go with Winnie the Pooh the UIA girl.

What I just hope for is My tender resignation must be send by 01.12.2009.

Can its,been done?...Are you ready.....Here I come..

P&L Meeting

" I just free from the cage.
I just flown away."

Since T has come to this office, she didnt invited me to join in the meeting anymore. Since Humty Dumty also have bigger SIT too, I really find myself was overexciting. Wasn't reallt sure why was that feeling. Its definately not me,sometimes. Well, I just got more space now and feel comfort.
Theres no harsh and push and yes more.

I havent attend the minutes for 2 months already-Sept and Oct. Ifind its kinda of relaxing when the superior its not around us, when we did some compliments on our's desk. Oh...terrific to said, I'm not internet addict.
Just at least I got write this. I haven't update my progress lately.

Well, many had happens to me. And there is a lot of surprisedand overwhelmed situation, also fun.

Basically, for this post I just want to share my feelings about how I feel when I did not join the corum.

Well, at first I find it easy to cope with my works and dont have to pay attention to someone big position talking. However, I did not feel happy the react of T and the decision she did, she didnt ask me whether I am OK withdraw from the corum. Because..

I still want to get something new there. As Humty Dumty is right at some certain, 'Didn't I want to learn something"..

T is completely different with Him. And He is still dump for me. Haha....

MARUAH DIPIJAK DENGAN PUNGGUK

Aku macam dah sedia yang aku akan berhenti kerja. Mungkin sangat digalakkan oleh lebai malang dan sedikit memburukkan imej bodoh aku ini. Entah bila lah aku mampu dan boleh melepaskan kerja jawatan ini.
Hari ni dalam sejarah. Apabila aku dimaki teruk dengan burung pungguk botak. Kisah yang tidak pernah di jangka. Aku kini lebih marah dan geram kerana gagal sekali lagi tersungkur.
Aku hanya menjalankan tugas ku..Its my job.
Aku cuba mengambil tahu dan up to date akan kerja ku. Aku cuma mahu berada di garis betul.
Manakan tahu hendak jadi begini, si setan pungguk botak itu hanyalah PA kepada seorang kawan lebai malang, dan lebih menyedihkan perasan mempunyai kuasa Illahi. Seolah-olah aku yang bersalah, dan segala-galanya.
Kata2nya umpama duri yang beracun apabila dengan lantang membesarkan suara "AWAK TAHU SIAPA SAYA, AWAK INGAT SAYA NI SIAPA,SAYA BOLEH BUAT SOMETHING KAT AWAK TAU, AKU NANGIS DALAM HATI.
AKU BENCI BILA ADA MEREKA YANG BERBUAT BEGINI. AKU BENCI MEREKA.
AKU BENCI.
AKU TIDAK SEDAR APA YANG AKU BALAS PERKATAAN AKU HAMPIR BERKATA BAHAWA MACAM ORANG TAK WARAS NAK MARAH AKU.
AKU PEDULI APA. KEMUDIAN DIA MAHU BERJUMPA DAN SURUH AKU KE BAWAH. BUNYI BETUL2 JAHAT DAN TUSUK. AKU TIDAK MAHU MEMANJANGKAN LALU AKU MEMOHON MAAF DENGAN MENELEFON SEMULA. AKU BERKATA DENGAN MENUNDUK DIRI DAN TERASA MACAM AKU MELETAKKAN MARUAH NI DI BAWAH TAPAK KAKI BATANG PUNGGUK TU. AKU TERASA DIRI AKU LEMAH. AKU BENCI.
LALU AKU KEBALKAN MULUT YANG AKU MINTA MAAF DAN DIA SEPERTI GEMBIRA.


AKU DECLARED PERANG SEKALI LAGI...

Hepi BesDay AziEM

Detik 00.00 pagi 28.10.2009 ni aku nak sms Aziem nak wish Happy Besday kat dia. Selalunya pukul 10.00 mlm detik2 mcm ni...aku dah dipeluk tilam dan bantal. Kerana nak wish juga aku letakkan lidi mancis kat mata aku ni (haha..mcm iye2 je).

Lantas, aku berfikir, Aziem ni selalu tidur awal...boleh jadi sia-sia aje aku hantar, dah tu esok takut pulak bangun lambat. Al maklum lar morning sickness aku ni menjadi2.

Aziem dah warning aku-dia taknak kek. Dia nak KFC. Haha...ada aku nak beli.

Tapi bulan ni aku kena siapkan RM350 untuk dia, kena bagi sebab aku pernah pinjam RM250 kat dia...ala RM250 itu pown aku juga yang bagi...Hehe...

Bukan lutut busuk ...eh...busuk siku...tapi duit itu sebenarnya nak buka akaun Maybank. Al- Maklumlah jantan sekarang mengada2. Aku dah katakan dah sabar ziem..sabar...bukan penting pun. Biasanya kalau kau nak kerja, then kena buka akaun,time tu lah ko boleh buat akaun, siap tak perlukan RM250..tapi hanya RM50.

Macam aku, time nak kerja Shakeys Pizza kat AP tu,tu first time aku buka kad Maybank. Dengan bermodalkan RM50 jer.

Syaratnya ada borang pelepasan mcm tulah dari tempat kerja tu, hah kan senang.

Susah betul kalau dah berlagak besar. Mentang2 lah konon, tapi al ceritanya, duit RM250 tu dia tak buat bank kad lagi sebabnya dia tu bawah umur. Hahaha...

Aje-aje beratur line kat bank tu, last2 gimmick jer. Kakak kaunter tu siap cakap tunngu adik 18 tahun baru adik boleh ye...sekarang blah lah ziem....Hahaha..

Aku pown x tahu. Then dia keep duit tu....aku pulak tibe2 sesak...apa lagi..

Aku akui aziem ni pandai jaga duit....simpan betul2..tak mcm aku..selalunyer akulah yang meminjam nyer...hehehe...

Well AZiem ni bukanlah boypren aku...bukanlah anak ikan gaks...tapi adik aku...Hahahahaahah..

Oledh itu aku rasa dengan RM350 tu, ganti RM250 + Interest RM100 (Mana2 aku hutang sikit kan)....dan aku tahu lebih tu....halalkan jer....lar..(akuni kakak yg baik)...tak yah cakap aku tahu.

Ahaks. So, berbaloi lah aku tidur dulu....heheh....besok jer lah aku sms....ok...

Sebab lidi mancis aku dah patah....Hhahahaha.....

Tapak Kaki Sejuk

Tiba2 jer lepas minum teh hijau,masuk bilik tak sampai 15 minit tapak kakiku sejuk sgt2. Tak pernah macam ni sejuk and tak pernah aku nak diet minum teh hijau pon. Tiba2 nak minum teh kat dapur takde teh.Ada teh hijau Boh housemate aku punyer. Bantai jer lah janji teh namanyer.Expired lambat lagi-April 2010. Mmm...tibaijer...tibe2 je kompilasi mcm ni. Dari nak berdiet aku makan...bagi panas sikit badan makan panas2 meggi.

Aku cari stokin tebal takder..baru ingat aku dah campak ke mulut sampah. Huhu. Ten pakai stokin nipis. So, tibe2 aku survey 2 ni compilasi teh hijau jgan minum semasa anda dibawah pengaruh ubat dan PMS.
Kebetulan aku berada didua2 zon sekarang, aku sedang menjalani rawatan ubat BP aku ni, baru berjinak2 selepas kena tegur dengan Dr.Norlida.

Then,tiba2 aku PMS ni. (Skrg ni perut ku pedih tiba2 dan aku rasa selain macam jer sejak terminum teh hijau tu)......

huhuhuuuhuhuhuhuh........................... =(

What will I love most?

Well....sometimes, I do think and imagine if I were not here. Far from the city and all the problem and no mistake.
I imagine I was in the beach,lying and sitting on white sand. The view is only a blue ocean, strong wind which make crab can't walk. Seeing those, with having nice cold drink with hat,black eyeglass,and slipper.
And sometimes,I was hope I wont sleep for a whole day,as usual I did when I was 'schooling
year'...just thinking and schedule until finish what I need to do next and taken to corrective action. But I dont brave enough. Yet,Tired.
What after all, I was thinking for how long have I been not going back to Domino. I may had blacken my reputation there.
And wondering why there is no catfish callover the project??
And also hopefully been forgive by people of the TNB-an home and office of a group people. I ruin all the accounts. And I dont have face to turning back.

I am sorry Kak. Huuhu.

Then,I decided to finish what I can. Im going back to Domino this end weeks. And also getting back the catfish.
Tomorrow is working day. Hopefully everything was wonderful...I loves work..I loves work..I loves????......

Amin

If only I know where to stop

Corresponding on Monday interview, they did call me for second interview with the CEO. I don't expect it too early, as they did not tell me there is a second interview coming up. So, I can't make a wise decision. Because they just mentioned they will get back to me in one or two weeks after.
Feeling grumpy, I call mom, as she really loves to hear this kind of stories. I bet. She won't prefer me to go. Unless, it was from bank. And, I don't know what keeps her think that working in bank is GOOD. Everything is GOOD=BANK=GOOD=IM WORKING IN BANK=GOOD.(Irritates me)

If only I know where to stop this kind of 'GOOD' and start whole over again on my career field. I know I did well on the interview as I make them believe to hire me. But somehow, however, something distract me to moves my step. Those are:

1) Mom & Siblings - It's a commitment for me. And I don’t lied it is a burden. Little but undesired. Well, the paid is my consideration after all. I don't know since when this become my priority. Could it be as my repent for past, a repent for spending RM25, 000 in just a 'click time'.
So, I can get back to my track. Honestly, the guilty is the 'guiltiness'.

2) My Dream/My Desire - This is all what I want and be. All I need probably. All I hopefully.
My dream is to be bests among the people I coordinate. Of course. This range to my personality,appearance,career,professionals,and charisma. I lose on the first two. But I was try to building my third. I find it was difficult. It’s not a pain, but much. Something blocked me.
Money? Lonely? Evil?

If only prayers were answered. Then I should repent twice.

I wish on 5 years more I could earn my living of RM5-6k. Could it be? I have 5 'child'. Am I bad to think my burden is what distract my journey now. Why so. I am so sad.
That’s why I leave home and make myself earn living. By hook and crook, she is my mom. There are my siblings. Sometimes, I find myself trapped by them, like feeling horrible to be in charge/ oldest sibling -which at a same time it wasn't actually. Just fated brought it.

Can fated be changed. Can my fated been adjust? I don’t want to be here, this stood was too sorrow and deep. I clashed all my dreams and responsibility.

I know, human all it-knows that. But, cant mom is more supportive towards me. Shut up about BANK. And gratefully what I am doing in this hotel. The paid is lower compare what I have in accounting degree. But.....I am feeling great than pervious road.

I could be think that account is no more for me. Maybe I just urged myself. So why and why I had wasted 4 years in university. What I get back?

Sometime, I think world is so unfair for me. Not even once of 'pity' from God. Or luck. I harsh it up or blown it away. Fated is liable for it. I know mom helps me much, but not much. I am so poor and still poor. And they keep me poor by demanding. Where is my grandstand? Do they gives me a good living.

She marries with a 'fucked' guy. Not working and got 5 children. Not even supportive when I am going to college but then yelled back and kiss my asshole money. That’s fucking guy owed me much than the RM2000. Does he thinks I am going to be his babysitter and find money to this family as I don’t get once a prosper shirt/or money. And he can died rich with his second wife fucking in grave.

Mom ...and..she is just mouth-off. I hated.

Please ..if there is a answer for me to release this at a same time. Even I have to sacrifice my dream.


I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know I'll love forever
I know, no matter what

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day

If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear God say

Interview Allianz

Harini pukul 2.00 ptg supposely di plaza sentral aku ada appointment for interview. So, by hook and crook setelah di timbal2 perasaan acuh dan tak acuh nak pergi atau tidak, tetiba je aku buat keputusan untuk pergi tepat pukul 8.00 pagi pada hari yang sama. Huh...! Macam mana tu. Itupun decision yang dibuat dalam keadaan mamai dan mengantuk tika aku atas tilam and bantal.

Actually, there is several factors lah yang menghalang aku untuk pergi, Selain kos dari segi masa dan wang, aku rasa sangat2 'berbahaya'. Sebab, kewangan cukup2 makan untuk tambang bulan ini. No extra2. One reason aku dah berbelanja banyak untuk raya. Then, i beliefs i already got what I expect so far within this line. So far. Or, much better to said it as I dah in comfort zone in my current work place.So, why I want to go?...and awat aku gatal2 pi apply kat jobstreet lagi... ni memang masalah jiwa yang aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa aku nak lari. Maybe pushing of surrounding....due to mentality that i should get paid more based on my degree qualification.

Then, suddenly when got the call for interview aku gabra semacam. Sebabnya aku rasa macam aniayai diri dan janji aku yang dulu nak proofkan yang aku boleh 1 year kat bidang hotel ni. Huhuhu. Well......where is the words.....????..Wake up..TK.!!

Aku akui hotel industry ni bukan lah long term goal aku, so better aku act quick. So i wont agreed my experience may potentially wasted mcm tu jer in a year later. As working what I am now is not a best tools to boost up my dream...so what happen ni..??

Is this fate or rezeki yang org selalu cakapkan tu......(hurm....)

Well, cerita interview Allianz tu wqas very niche and horror. Perhaps. Well I could be pass with all the answer by the interviewer, but I wont think it suit my ways in future and upcoming.
They ask a lot, why and so why, what and what what, ( with smile ..i kick with good answer , i prepared.)...
But the post seem a routine..and benefit of paid slightly not much differ with what I whave so far. But the way of the HOD of maybe my future department seem not very believes me , like what Humty Dumty may more like me....even I hate him....(Ahaks)...dont think so...but at least yea...

So...my mom shock I did attend the interview. Cos she was thought I wont be there. But I have my opinion. I told my mom, no matter what opportunity is it that I may not want to take, if I do have a time to stole some of it, I will see what beneath lies behind those. What I will may lose or gain, I have to have a try and faith. And of course there is a risk or sacrifice. Like my sacrifice is MC and act like sick in front of Doc to get those bills.

My lesson today after I back from interview was, I still valuable and happy. This is what suppose to be for mean time. Because there is a promise need to compromise yet.

Amin.

Pertunangan Snow White

Kenyang perut harini pergi rumah Snow White,ada tapau lagi pulut kuning. Alhamdulilah majlis tunang Snow White berjalan dengan lancar dan cuaca cerah selepas baju Snow White dibaling keatas atap. Cerita Snow White kat aku, grandmanya 'campak' bak ikut petua orang dulu2 bila hari hujan. Aku pun baru tahu. Kalau macam itu aku nak try nanti bila hujan, and if hari yang aku bertunang. He he.
Aku bertolak pukul 11.00pagi dan ambil lrt ke Bandar Tasek Selatan, lalu ambil Teksi ke Taman Conought. Kos RM10.00. Dalam 20 minit sampai ke rumah yang dituju.
Aku nampak Snow White all in classic grey. Very cute and nice. All her niece,aunty,and family are cool and nice people. Makanan pun sedap sedap. Ada lauk udang sambal,ayam kari rendang special,sayur campur,daging negro (daging masak kicap lar) ,dan air sirap yg best pernah aku minum. Semacam sirap berries. Aku pun pakat2 sebelum itu bergambar bersama Snow White.
Gembiranya suasana nya. Akhirnya aku dapat juga bertemu jejaka yang mencuri hati Snow White. Tak sangka,biasa2 sahaja orangnya. Gempal. Aku ingatkan sehensem putera Snow White di dalam buku itu.Orangnya besar juga. Semoga sesuailah mereka sehendakNya, Amin.
Aku tumpang dua2 kaki,(bukan sebelah je) bila tengok Snow White happy. Terasa aura tunang gembira Snow white berpacaran dekat dengan aku. Macam mana lah pula masanya aku nak bertunang.
Sebenarnya,ini pengalaman pertama aku bertunang. Sebab aku tak pernah pergi ke rumah orang yang bertunang. Aku tak sangka juga akuni jemputan khas ke sana. Macam2 soalan aku tanya Snow White, etc:-pihak lelaki tak naik bilik sarung cincin ke, hantaran duit lipatan bunga tiadake, yang lagi teruk aku boleh pelik lelaki datang sekali masa meminang. Haha.
Aku ingatkan diaorang akan duk terkebu kat rumah sorang2. Mana drama lama aku tengok ni.
Ye lah zaman dah berubah.
Masa pulang,aunty dia tolong hantarkan straigh terus ke rumah aku, tak turun lrt pun. Best kan hidup free. Makan free. Pengangkutan free. Hahaha.


Aku dah penat ni,penat makan. Huhu.Aku nak tidur kejap kat bilik ni. Bilik?.Aku masuk tadi tak nampak lantai.Aku ingat tempat pemusnah barang2 sampah. Huhuhu. Buruknya perangai.
Hehe.

Sick am I?

What is this symptom I had for? A week I got leg pain and ache. Cant sleep well, deep hard to breath and poor my nose feeling dump. I breath too hard when I was wiping my face with toner. The alcohol contains was too heavy and make me dizzy 'flew' when I stood up in front of mirror. Then I got flue just because of that. Now like something was inside my nostrills blocked the air . Warghhhh....so tension. Forehead looks become so smaller ,in fact its not. Or maybe my eyes become more smaller? What? Why? No sleep? Huhhh..
I was so tired.Always tired. Just share this a moment. Recently,many things had happens to me. I can't quiet figure out but I keep up on it. In a while sometimes I feel I was not in this world, but more likely fly away up there.
Then,more I feel sick due to bad habit as usual. Room untidy and not can't even manage well any things. Dead woman am I. Whats a look. Looks...Oh yeah...I got new looks. I have new hair cut. Stylish , evenly alomost similar with Faizal Tahir, my lil bro got jealous of that. Ha Ha. I even can copied his sing style with this hair cut. It was unplanned and it will only be so by doing some hairy lol. The guy who cut my hair from Ipoh. Ipoh Mali. Quiet cool and pathethic. Hehehe....is it?Thanks to him.
Im going to bed. Not sure on being coming to work or not cause I got heavy now.

Amin.

Jiwa yang kosong

Baru-baru ini,fikiran ku melayang jauh di sudut hati kecilku. Hati dan jiwaku yang semakin kosong itu memekakkan sahaja perasaan itu. Seolah-olah sudah mati dibuai fikiran2 yang terganggu. Tatkala aku keseorangan,perasaan itu sering terlintas. Jadi aku takut untuk keseorangan,dan sentiasa sibukkan diri di rumah. Aku menjamah makanan yang entah keberapa kali,melayan karenah adik2 yang gila,menonton siaran berulang2,dan pertuturan ayat susun ku jua tunggang terbalik.Aku endahkan,asalkan aku masih bertahan melarikan diri.
Rupanya,aku sedar,jiwa ku masih kosong. Dan juga untuk entah kali keberapa. Aku gagal mendapat berkat ramadhan,dan aku lari dari kebenaran syawal. Aku tidak sekalipun menghayati takbir raya seperti tahun2 sudah. Benarkah aku sudah jauh ? Jiwa ku juga kosong?
Aku tak mampu menghayatinya,kerna aku mahal menjatuhkan air mata ni didepan keluarga, asal ada sahaja takbir aku tukar siaran atau buat sibuk. Malah,aku tak teringat siapa lagi aku sepatutnya aku perlu buat? Sebagai anak. Sebagai sahabat? Sebagai kakak?
Aku lari selama seminggu. Sehingga hari ni untuk memulakan kerja esok. Aku bingung kenapa jiwaku kosong. Aku sedih.

TK In The Middle

Sambil keluar lif,Laila Majnum seraya teriak kecil kepada aku untuk datang ke HR esok hari. Sempat juga kepala berdenyut aku ni berfikir persoalan-persoalan yang mungkin terjawab atau tidak dijangka pada esok hari ni. Sangkaan ku hendak ambil MC,kepala ni sakit. BP aku naik lagi ni gara2 daging dan ikan masin berlaukan sudah. Susah susah.
Baru2 ni aku rajin usha2 jobstreet nakmelobi diri. Tapi susah benar nak dicabut undi. Bilalah nak dipanggil interview. Aku tak dapat sabar nak bayangkan tinggalkan semua tu. Sebab sudah k.e.c.e.w.a, huhu.
Gaji aku postpone lagi naik sebab ada masalah,ke mana2 sahaja. Dan aku sudah tak sabar lagi nak dengar remehan HR dan Teh O tu.Salah satu jangkaan aku ialah mugkin aku tak dapat cuti selama tiga hari tu,atau sign confirmation atau maybe yang pasti kesedihan akan melanda. Aku kacau jiwa ni. Aku boring lah hidup ni. AKu masih di takuk lama, tak kenal gaji bersimpan dan usaha berbaloi lagi. Kemana kah jalan ku. Ya Allah aku payah dalam kesusahan jiwa. Benda yang aku tak mahu sekali. Dalam hidup ni. Aku mahukan ketenangan jiwa yang azali dan kerahmatan. Lebih baik dari kekayaan duit ,meskipun begitu aku nak kaya juga. Huhuhu.
AMIN. WASALAM.

For God Sake....Help Me to come out from Myself.

I could'nt even cry writing this entry .But the 'guilty feeling' reside in myself have never ended. Has never ever released to somewhere it should belong. I FEELING SO DUMP...more day now.
Why I am so addicted to it. Why? Why? I am SLUT!!!! For God Sake...please I can't beneath release upon my feelings or head either. Shit!!!
I cant stand for it. I can't lied to myself. I can't even scale the sins.It was tooo bigg.
I am died for it. Fucking to all.
Im sad, Terrific. I am lonely. Very deeply wound. Very strange feeling. Very hates myself than before. Neither to anyone to share and talk about. Its shames. And meangless lifes has clowdy in my days ahead. Seem so.I am a big girl big sin big city. I am rudeless to Him,Myself, Mom. And more I have no rules eating vows. Im just shit.
Very deeply hurt and sad........................................................................................................please let me surpressed it once to something. Please forgive me God. I cant said more.Speechless for everything I done. Im shame..................................................................................................pleaseeeee

Buka Puasa The Adventure

Nama jer adventure. Tapi makanannya tak seadventure mana pun. Lip Lap Lip Lap dah 10 hari kita berpuasa. Tapi tak sehari lagi aku rasa berjaya menunaikan amalan2 sunat dalam fardhu ini. Sedih dan kecewa. Marah dan bingung. Sebabnya aku sendiri tak tahu. Bukan tidak mahu berganjak ke surau asyik ada saja 'persetan' aku ni. Aku sedih lar kalau bulan ramdhan ni aku masih teruk lagi. Bernama manusia yang hina.
Aku ada terfikir nak letak list makan buka puasa aku tapi aku lupa dar apa yg aku makan.
Slow reaction. Hari ni special buka puasa dgn housemate punya kakak, rumah sebelah blok jer. Malu tak malu tp pasal dah tumpang kereta,wajib. One more, nilah rezeki. Betul tak. Mmm.
Aku fikir2 lah nak tidur jer malam ni.supaya esok pergi kerja dengan baik. Tapi rasa malas lar nak kerja. Kenapa. Makan banyak sudah. Aku nak bershopping tadi nak pergi Jusco tapi peleset ramai sgt orang nyer beb.
Aku blah gitu jer. Ahaks. Ni nak wat gapo sekarang ni. Malas dah nak online2 . Aku nak keluar lar. Bye.

Orang Besar Vs.Kroni

Aku tak tahu lah nak cakap dan komen..pas satu..satu hal jadi. Kenapalah manusia suka berdayus sesama sendiri. Bukankan kita dijadikan Tuhan untuk saling melengkapi dan bermanfaat bersama. Kenapa perlu ada penderhakaan,penghinaan,dengki mengkhianati dan bermuka-muka.
Kenapa perlu kita berubah balik seperti di takuk lama dan tidak menuju ke hadapan dan bersedia dengan keadaan semasa. Ada baiknya kita bersama-sama, daripada berpatah balik ke juram .
Dan akhirnya ‘saudara’ sendiri kita gadaikan untuk kepentingan tertentu.
Aku terkedu buat entah berapa kali,sejak akhir2 ini. Aku termanggu dan bingung. Aku mendapat tahu, dr sumber yg boleh dipercayai,sahabat2 sekerja yg pernah meninggalkan ofis ni,akan kembali semula. Semuanya bermula apabila ‘orang besar’ berhenti. Orang penting pula sudah mula mengerakkan langkah mengumpul kroni2 . Bangkit dan kehadapan. Aku tidak kisah. Sungguh aku tidak hairan. Aku sendiri menantikan salah seorang kepulangan kroni tersebut. Namun, aku tersentuh dengan tindak tanduk orang penting,apa yg dikatakan. Ianya seperti satu tamparan hebat bagiku. Seperti satu amaran bahawa ‘jangan bermain api’ dgn berkopiah. Aku tidak hairan. Aku tidak kisah dan endahkan semuanya. Namun aku ada juga terlintas,aku juga orang baru. Mungkin boleh jadi nasibku ditangan berkopiah itu. Apa benar? Aku benci . Ini aku tidak suka. Aku tidak suka orang membelangi aku dan berani memikirkan aku ini boleh dilakukan sedemikian. Mereka silap. Mereka salah.!!!
Pun begitu. Aku rela mencari lubang sendiri dari dipijak mati.Aku menunggu masa itu dating dengan sabar. Dengan tawakal aku hanya mahu belajar sebanyak mungkin disini.
Kemudiannya, aku mendengar bermacam2 lagi nasib malang. Aku salah seorang juga. Aku merasakan pemburuan kroni ini hanya permuafakatan dalam gunting lipatan. Permuafakatan dalam Kekronian.
Aku berdoa aku tidak goyah sekalipun aku jatuh. Bangkit dan majukan diriku seribu ratus kali dari harapan mereka. Tunjjukan mereka sekebal aku agar aku bangkit menjuarai dr mereka dari segi keihsaniah dan compension of human beliefing. I will show them Love to be kind will win and win.
No Hesitate, My destiny was not been judging by them.

Konon-kononnyer.

Halo....U are there...Buzzz...!! Konon2nyer..-aku ada member 'best' suka guna ayat ni. Konon2 nyer.
Mmm..dah jadi member plak...lepas admire. Mmm..well tx susah payah aku tunggu dia buzz aku, or ym aku dulu drpd aku . Akhirnya termakbulgak, tak sangka dia mcm nak borak best jer. Konon2 nyer lar. Kot..? Huhuhu.
Then kami cakap sikit2-belagak banyak2.
Dia send lagu raya...and purpose aku buka lagu tu time keje. Nak mati lol. Kalau new girl bisisng mulut macam ****.
Mmm..aku dgr2 ramai nak quit -reason not good performance or no 'performance'. Which one lor..?..Masalah betul, Aku bila nak cabut ni. Sayang sebab tak cukup setahun beb.
Biler lar...raya tahun depan ker...hisyk hisyk..
bila nak khawin plak....hek elek...melodrama ni,S.T.O.P.!!!

Jom mandi....

MY SEX PHILOSOPHY

What make us think when this word-S.E.X. come to our's mind. ? Does there is a different answer when its comes from gender too? Or its just a 'blow-out' word rather than sensual feelings. Yes,it is just a 'plain tone' if it was just to filling a form to stated our sex-female or male.
But,what was it about when it comes to the real 'SEX'. Man and woman -sexual relationship. Does SEX really seem like that or more?
SEX is SEX. SEX is FUCKING, or SEX is LOVE.
There's is a few situation. Let's examine.
First, if you have been intercourse it with your's boyfriend/girlfriend-regardless fun or not. Does it really worth for the moment. Do SEX drive you or FUCKING drive you. Think about it.
Some may claimed it was LOVE. Thats was what our mommy and daddy tought and shows to us. Both are living together,and love,and birth,and sex.In all, it was a LOVE. And there's still want to pointed out LOVE IS BLIND. Think twice.
And if it was just a one night stand. Does this was a great comfort zone? Lets, called it one buck fuck.Why not? We drive it. After all,if we were one of the situation, we may consider ourselves.
All of us just drive SEX for nothing. I am human.And of course SEX drive me too.
But,please concise me to make this judgement.
As a woman,sex could be my no.2 priority generally. Or lower than that for some girl outside.
And maybe no.1.I am asean,not to be judge as a white people who are more 'open' on this issue.
But are more pleased to stand and point out my views about it. I know and I want.
Importantly,for me to having a SEX with a right man to be loved for and worthy to be.
He maybe just a nerdy as newspaper seller or even to a body-builder. The things thats was coming inside was just more than fucking. Wonder!!!
Its not my wish-when someone ask me for it. Or when I wish it too. I will always reminds myself.There's is always more SEX appeal to be joy for rather real or not.
Being a virgin just not a hope,or to show off in my environment living. But its more as a principle-philosophy of me. Im not fucking lust,slut,or jerk.
As long as I was not into that.I consider myself as grateful. And I have never think that I was narrow minded. Cause after all,you can't imagine how was imaginative I am.
Just to remind,this post was not to shout out the SEX is NO, or SEX is FUCKING.
But rather as SEX is YES,and SEX is someone ideality to show her/himself of being together with. Be what yourself wanted to be,not what we want people wanted to adore us. Be SEX with someone more 'accurate' in 'accurate' time. Make yourself a higvalue SEX drive. Not a SLUT of it. Got it. You will realized when it's comes to your turn. When,SEX giving you nothing.

Be Judgemental. Thanks.

Kerjaku BERTAMBAH-TAMBAH....!!!

Kalau hari2 minggu sebelum ni, aku akan ke Mid Valley. Sekarang aku lebih banyak masa berada di Ofis.Kerja diatas meja aku tak pernah surut.Tak sempat ku follow-up,datang yang lain untuk up-to-date. Tak sempat ku selak ketepi,datang yang lain 'mengganggu'. Rupanya, beginilah 'hidup bergaji' seorang pekerja diatas meja bersegi. Sayangnbya,soal gaji masih tergantung. Kadang2 ada juga aku memikirkan untuk memutuskan tali gantung tu. ASAP!!

Aku dapat satu kerja extra dari Humty Dumty-kerja milik anak syarikat. Tapi kenapa aku yg kena buat. Walaupun ada sedikit pengetahuan tapi sedikit gaji tak memadai memujuk hatiku. Sudahlah aku ditipunya naik gaji. Kenapa tidak minta sahaja orang 'sana' shj buat. Tahupun, kami di'sini' loagi baik dari sana. Entah sedar ketidak lagi. Boleh pujuk aku buat-cakap dgn perlahan. Ok.Fine. I am good one. Of course Tin Kemik boleh buat. Tapi Tin ad abyk kerja -so minta delayed. Taknak pula.

Dimintanya datang Ahad. Cuti pun diselidik. Annual leave pun bersengketa. Susahnya.

Tin.Cepat bangun dan lari.OK!!!!

Hero-Hero Moden Drama Melayu

This new guys yang sedang naik...I salute to his acting. Not too bad, he has a good sense of emosional and feeling in his drama. First,I noticed him in Sindarella.He's just look very typical in acting,still new and blurred. Yet, I don't have a 'qualification' to talk more about him as I dont know him well and since when he was in this industry also I do not have the answer for it. So my comment solely based on as a typical fan for TV shows.

In Sindarella I rasa dia ni ada jer rupa, but perhaps lakonan maybe as second man jer. But I was wrong,bila I tengok ceritanyer dalam NurKasih,mungkin garapan pengarah dan penerbit Khabir Bhatia which we-Malay people sedia maklum how was KB shows for Malay cerekarama but this time NurKasih was quiet different and I gives applaused for it.

I dont have time to made a research on him background-and I hopes so. He cought my interest because he reminds me to my admirer. I did secret admirer one guy just looks like him in my class. He better off to be with others girl than me. I know.

Just I do a guy like him-smart and casual. Is Remy also appear to be so? I dont know.

But lately, we has a lot of Hero Melayu naik dalam filem dan drama-drama. Among are Fizow Omar,Adi Putra,Kamal Adli(Hero BioNik),Ery Putra,Fahrin,Zack X Factor,Aron Aziz.

Rasanya2 dalam kalangan ni siapakah yang layak digelar Hero Drama? Because, I lihat they all just ahve a looks not to consider the talented one. Maybe I nak puji Zack, since dah jadi pengganti AC Mizal untuk lakonan2 TV2 Hero Drama bawah arahan sekutu 'ala-ala macam gerak khas'. Penggunaan Bahasa Malaysia dia pun dapat tingkatkan.

Yang lain, Fahrin and Aron Aziz is best to rate. Ery Putra asyik2 bawa gaya muka sama, and cebikan kening ala-ala Shah Rukh Khan. Yang lain harap muka. But, still wish them all the best and may succesful in their careers.

P/S: Mungkin Zul Yahya Kaber Hero Kaber Zero. Nerdy one.

Will He Make a U-Turn?

Remember Jolie? I did mention about Jolie in this old post blog. About how was myself into him,and also,about how was he did a quick resign in the office. I didn't purposely brought up this name,as he was not my favour anymore. Though myself has already forgot what have he said to me. Just a few days,Snow white told me that the 'return' of him could be in a corner.

What? I am shocked and really blur-not only despite of the 'return',but more. Could it be more badly news from this if Humty Dumty heard about it,or the rest knows it-all. All appears in my minds,was he will be able to have a good 'shit' after all what he throw to us. Was he is really a money-face. Was he really knows how was he so spoilt and ruins the clouds within he's ego.

The ego which was he 's really proud to 'back off' from the company. Restless.

It stopped until there. And I heard ours' ED did call him to joint back the company,regardless the power of ED-I am sure Humty Dumty may flown away too. And me,no have respect to him.

I dont like him suddenly after all what I had seen the 'remarkable left'.So,the form had been filled-up,and the possition is new. I hope everything was ok for me,if he make a 'u-turn'.

And there's is no 'bluffing' words he spread or what. He's jerk,He's no shame and he was just a squid. For me from now on.

P/S: The squid was really a good dishes for me.

KING KONG

I first watched this movie in cinema. Somewhere around plaza complex in Seremban, with my uncle and nephew during my stay there.

It was a great to rate by mean-neglected the facts 'King Kong' loves. The part where Ann Darrow and King Kong enjoying sunset-awesome me,if I were able to do so with someone to love.

Suddenly. it reminds me to the comments of the King of Bollywood,SRK,who did claimed it was just a kind of nonsense King Kong fell in love with a blonde woman. This is just a 'return critism' after himself also have been critized by Hollywood on one of his film too. I did read this about, but forget where does the source is. Correct me if I'm wrong.

My opinion,regardless how nonsense,or how believeable it can be or not,it was just a 'big' film on year 2005,after all that's what we call a 'film'. I enjoying and feel the sad between the 'big' Ape itself with Ann. Another remarkable movies from Hollywood by Peter Jackson.

Could be this is how was PJ 'benchmark' himself - just what he did in The Lords of the Rings.

Between the believable and nonsense- there is a 'woah' sound come out from our's mouth, the eager mind wonder what will be happening-is just a nice feeling to have rather than a melodrama 'film'.

Confession in Conformation

I have been called to Humty Dumty room,and he shocked me by reading one-by-one of my appraisal form in between i was still under prohibition. The new girl,she hired which we believes was his colleague in previous employment too was there. Seem like too conspiracy to be there early in the morning. So,while his was judging me and given some point with reason to be marked so,I listen carefully which room I need to improves. And by the way,new girl was beside me listening too and joted some in her red small book.
I smile seeing both and this situation make me a confusion worst when suddenly Humty Dumty suddenly pronounced to make this confirmation early and is due out by the HR. He urges me to be sign and along the time he saying what was the opportunity I might unseen in this company. He sounds very proudly to be heard by someone who hoping the boss is planning to upfront us. However,I insist to be remain silent. I was too 'pop' what was I heard.
For me,theres must be a reason on all of this. Since, a lot have tender recently. One of that could be yesterday-which I was suddenly not as usual in a good mood when that new girl came by and ask me regarding some report which need to be expected come out by me. And this report was really 'hacks'. It's should be in end of the cloud after we already confirm what it's should be. Just a double work.
Instead of easily received the document, i feel sacks,as it was 7.00pm late evening,and I was just feeling been useless to be there in that moment time. So, i did raise my voice to my colleague who sit beside me. I am sayin if there will like if suddenly I come out with a report-which is a tender. Hopefully they will knows me well. I believe the new girl may heard this and she was suddenly appear in the door and look us. I ignore her.
Just tommorow-early in a morning I was been called. Just only to be confirmation.
And despite my dillema-in between of either I was really sure to commit here for another half year or maybe end to 2 years.Thus is it reallyworthy for me? In this hotel industry?...Was really annoyed me.
I havent make up my mind. And yet still waiting the answer from others parties. But at end I admit I feel I should be here because I already been favourable with the family and work -the environment. Even the task work was completely is my big dillema either it was worthy for me or not-yet I still believes thats hopefully I get some others better offer.
On paid and improves my financial lacks. Yet it is the most and wont let me feel guilty. However,why is the hardest question for me to answer them.
So, when confront them about this here is our dialouges:

Humty Dumty:

We really appreciates your attitudes and I do find you can be somebody up here. You just need a room to improves and we will be glad to teach you and guide you. .(Meaning for me I was very good to be trustworthy for a moment time for them in term conduct the work without refusal)

New Girl:

You have a degree,and you come from an external background,and u pick up our needs and understand what we want-easily talk and understand what we want.(Meaning for me I was just nothing yet for them)

Then I silent......which at end....all this sense words was not really reflects with what they mentioned earlier when reads my appraisal form just now. I have been critized much more and never yet satisfied them.

At end...I soundly.

I:

Sir,may I ask for something-if possible there is a confirmation for me.Could I ask for a raise paid.(And I ask for a thousand seven possible which I request at a time I been recruit but did not get it as a reason I still new)

Both was ok....listen...and...

Humty Dumty:

Im not sure is there mention in the employment contract rates and I will relook after it and discuss it about to HR.(Still very dangerous,as I know they wont do it)

New Girl:

Listen

I:

And sir, please,I think I need a weeks to think it of.Please let me reconsider it.

Humty Dumty&Girl:

SHOCK !!!!...HUH!!!..Why what was happen....you dont want to get to confirm....you are geeting sick of this all this work..company...or what..?

I:

No....silent...No....and silent.

Humty Dumty:

(His raise his voices and harsh me ...pushing me...treaten me) as if I was not just his only hopes. I can go if I want and he can make to live even theres is a case before likely.

His pointing fingers in front of me....just feeling unsecured ....yet he urges me to let him know my by confirmation asap-by tomorrow or 2 days. Otherwise,he will already get someone.

And I:

Suddenly was feeling so loose.With a word his punch me. Neither a power he dont gives me a chances to be politely thinking for a day.Then I said...Ok...you can find other...and I out.

I see you later sir.

With tears...not sad..just tension..and i released it at a staircase.

New girl come by and chase me out. At a same time I can heard she was complaint to Humty Dumty that he was too overly react. And make such a cold turkey.

And I was crying in front of her.Sadness. And blindness what was happen just now was wrong and she asking me why I am crying do I feel guilty. I am .I feel guilt to be here now in front of this hack.

But actually we make up and talk what was about I am worrying much. And not all was true. As its lies behind my mind. And at last when we meet Humty Dumty again he apologizes me.And he was at end of word..so u want to be confirm.

As I dont want it to be cloudly. I said Yes.Ok.

Still he insist was it today or Friday. New girl rush this on me. Today..she loudly sound. And at a time I knows there was just worry if I will going out this company within 7 days rather than one month notice period if I was been confirmed. And they just trapped me.

I feel dumped. I dont want to fight and long neck with them. Its enough. It was actually my worst action. And I blame myself. I dont feel happy as what has already happen. Now..do the tear really captures their sympathize or just look me more weaker.

Guys,one of the reason they want me to be here, just to be post as a GL for the company and replace KR.Which the ones I always hatred most the situation to be in.Then she was just an old woman which I agreed most she is suit one to be there after what she had through. Im not even strong to betrayed her by replace the job as far i was listen what she feels and gives her back rub. And get a lesson from her. After what we all had gone through and on what the company jeopardizes her ages -due to her ages54 so thas why she cant be permanent,and also using me to cut cost. With unrevealed ability I haven't proof for moment. This is a dillema.

I wish I hope I feel I should go. But where?

SINGLE AND HAPPY BUT CAN'T SLEEP.

Itsn't weird to post this title....(I was thinkin).But,it seem not to be for me now.The tiltle single and happy was me. Unfluctuated just like an economy crisis. But I just can't sleep. Why. I was so tired but can't sleep. Is it becoz I'm full,or thirst. Huhuhu. I ate domino pizza-supposely to be very familiar for my weekend job. But I didnt think I will go for it for time being. Eating pizza while looking on a website on how to loss fat-at least make a considerable and can be forgive.
Aye.
Then, I'm run a burn-out cd-hopefully to be sleepless tonite. And now.....what was happen. I still cant sleep and thinking bout the golden falls.
I know. I should do what I suppose to do.At least it burn my headache. Aye. Till that my eyes will close.
Follow me. Bye.

Neverending Story

If I was there...I will scream happily...more!!!

Aku suka sangat tengok cerita ni-Never ending story.Aku dah download 9 siri dalam you tube.
Cerita ni aku tengok sekali jer dalam tv,time budak. Pastu aku tunggu2 tak pernah keluar dalam tv. Cerita pasal budak laki baca buku atas loteng sekolah.Munkin sebab nilah,banyak pengaruh aku berimaginasi masa kecik2. Macam realiti jer.
Aku gembira aku dapat download and dapat tengok cerita ni. Aku barujer tengok. Epi semacam. Tapi tak sehappy masa kecik2. Bila aku tengok sekarang aku pun pelik kenapa lah aku suka cerita ni.Hehehe..sebab nampak sangat kartunnya dan tak real bila anjing tu terbang kat awan. Maybe budak tak semua tu.Mereka tak berfikir macam kita.

Bila something yg seronok cukuplah.Hehe.

Kita yang semakin matang ni jer yang tak puas2 nak puas.
Well,bila balik kat rumah mak semalam aku buka astro ada cerita John Rambo.Ni lagi satu cerita feveret aku time kecil.Time ni aku fikir hero akulah rambo dan dialah paling hensem dari arnold. Haha.Bila aku tengok rambo tu,aku tak nak laki macam tu.Hahahahaha.
Pelik tapi benar. Well, cuti dua harini betul2 manfaat dengan tengok cerita2 feveret time kecil.
Aku cuma nak cari vcd Micheal Jackson bila dapat gaji rabu ni....mmmm......boleh menari dalam tandas nanti .(Hihihi).

Aku nak basuh baju kemas bilik siap kerja. Segarnya bangun tidur ni.

Unpaid leave for interview.

Feel great this morning -woke up almost at 09.30am but the interview appointment will be conduct at 10.15am.Luckily I made it by taxi and the company is nearest by. But the most one reason, because there is not traffic.Fuhh.
The interview session was ok.Just a words.And to confide them to hired me and why I was thinking to moveout from the hotel. Huhuhu.This was pretty hard,Luckily the exam just have 2 question not like before I attend which requires me almost 7 essay question.Die Hard dude.
I took unpaid leave today,as I was just under prohibiton, and dont thinks to taking an MC just pretend in front of doctor -doc,Im sick.What the hell.I'm sick. Ya. You sick.Hehe.
I dont prefer meet a doc whenever I sick,either more I'm not.So,Humty Dumty suspected me I did went to interview. Hardly,I lied to Humty Dumty,Sir-is a personal family matters which requires my attention.And urgently,needed to back to my home town mallaca.Ahaks.
So, I heard he ask my seniors to look after me either I was going to interview. Hahaaha..Thats funny. I never known Humty Dumty 'loves' me much.
Yuks.He even ask me to do his personal thing last day-Humty Dumty was looking after the Julies,but she's on leave, And come meet me asking if I was free?...I said no.Repeat. I said no sir.
Wow.So rude am I,Suddenly I feel.But its just heritates me,a while. Then,Humty Dumty urges me to follow up.I did.
He gives me a bunch money and ask can you help to deposited it.
Wow-its working hours.Not relates to work.Its personal.And I was thinking doesn't he knows to use maybank2 u system.Humty Dumty sat on a wall. Just like a phrase I wonder.

I accept.Because I loves outing a while when working hours. Hahahaha.
Luckily I did this,so I fill a form of unpaid leave and he approved.Paid the deeds.(Intentionally)

So,I dont have to folllow the 7 days procedure lead time to approve.Yea Yea.

P/S-I been promised by the interviewer they will call me back after 2 weeks. I dont thjink so I succeed after taking too much time for considering me.Its ok Its alright. Maybe I been destined with this industry.If it was so. I will rethink back. Ameen.

My Explaination

Almost everyday I asked myself why did I ended like this? What is wrong with me? Or what will I be heading on? But,I wont find those explaination. Even closely.
I am 23 years. A stage which i believed a common puzzle feeling stopped by and rest in my mind.I have a lot of this feeling lately.About work,sex,man,woman,workmates,office,home,
money,future,friendship,dream and most oof this i rank it as very sensation to my desires.
Because I think much. And the most is my work. Did I do a right job for future holds me? Did I find out the true? Its much horrible rather than to seek a soulmate.Is there a different between them.Sure.But why wasn't I feel a right one now.To consider satisfied.
At glance I look on my table, I rememberized on how I feel at first time I was been interviewed. I still can feel the feeling on how ambitious I am about my future.Iwas totally prepare 110% to heading on more over the table. I was lucky to have the feeling at that time and I found much lucky they granted me.Despite that, I am also believes that my feeling was true.
Now,I dont know where the feeling goes by. I feel half-empty and sad. Is it because of paid,energy,burn out,or what ever reason. One reason I scared most in my industry was I could been known by him or his mate which may reveals my identity. The most sacry for my part to triggers in lifes,is my sin. My soul sin. My mistake.
And I believes I should go. Far from this. I hope I find my destination cos I am toot ired to stop at anywhere station. I prayed for fullest happiness in love and life. Regards to my devoteness on Him. Ameen.

Vindicated

Sgt marah dan bengang macam bangang jer rasa tak reti nak isi borang SPA tu. Dah sejam. Berapa kali ditolaknya kata aku kena isi qualification sedangkan dah memang dua itujer aku ada-sijil SPM and Degree. Sebelum ni aku keyed in form tu taklar sebangang tu. Okje boleh akses ke next form. Macam biasa gak diisinya.Ni bukan internet problem because I still can akses other pages. Badly.Lain kali jgn hantar surat kat rumah suruh isi kalau page macam ****.
Call my mom to ask the letter did SPA sent-but failed to locate it. Just now beria. Eee...bengang betul lar.Lain kali jangan buka surat tu,kalau dah tak tahu mana nak letak. I always consider everythin mine was personal and I dont like they opened it even though it was just a KWSP statement or whatever as long as my name they refer. But,mom like that. Always what mine is her personal too. I dont like. I dont know why I feel this. I know I should'nt. But what to said.(I rarely hate to said this word)-Just like we cant change and commit just on like that. Let be. Shit. Now,makin marah dgn portal SPA tu dgn Mom.
As what was happen to me, in office with Humty Dumty. He did'nt know any.Just give a ball and push. Come on baby..Tendang. Oh shit dude.Well...there is always a reason for something that do not happen as it should be and also there is also sometime no reason for something that should not be. So Humty Dumty put me in this kind of situation. I can't stand for some state. Because I do feel bad,inner,guilt,and stupid.None make me proud of myself. After I discover or by hook and crook at the end I will feel the same.
So, I hesitate him to sign the document for this moment as I dont like to carry the burden on. And what will be happen next also still burdening me.But I keep it in my heart.
I never realise what will I gain from it. And can't think of it. Its just a feelin was gone of me. I cant feel me.What I want.And why I want them.
So,today embarks me with new shock.I accidentally ask him to sign my MC-and please dont ask me for anything or I will take MC again.It is was bullshit.But considering an award for me and sarcastic for him.But...as I said.Why I want them.
Yesterday and before also bears me with this situation. For moment,I even have a time to revise my plan.So,I do keep walk.But never seen the stair.I stuck.
Mom Sorry.Humty Dumty Tx.Me Cry.Fell it.

MJ (R.I.P)-You Are Not Alone

Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

'Lone, 'lone
Why, 'lone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...

P/S: Suddenly and weird I do like him most after what had happen to him. I feel sorry to his family and pray for R.I.P. In fact, He is a singer that charms me with a "World Song" when I was kid.

Cerita Lepas Balik Dari...Interview

I was been called for an interview today. I set my appointment at 5pm. So, I will get to manage to rush after 4.pm.to clock out(but I clok out 3.58 pm). Two of my closed fren theres know my appointment and also KR,as I can't run from her.
The appointment was so 'big' for me. Too 'much' for a mean time or whatever I don't know the feeling now. It's almost just likely I was feeling bad on it. Either I was too much or too low.
Get the felling was so uneasy for me.
Yes, i were just not prepared for everything at all.Seem like I was just a kid without a toys and seeing people play ball.I come at 4.58. They gave me 3 letters with each got double sided. One is my details, one is my role model, ones is my ability to assessed the problem.
I was thinking it not like this. So, Ok LOL . I will answer, then ( I believed I make them waited).
Then, when the interview was almost start. My hand colds,head also can't think anything.

Three of the HOD come and interview me. The HR, seem dont have any question for me, they look like 50-50 to me. Huhuhu. I was thinking why they called me ma.If just wanna assesed me.
I am not good yet. I feeling that now.. I feel dump.Huhuhuhu.

They just wanted see me maybe. Huhuhu.Why Why. I tak tahu .

I memang ada pernah wish dlm hidup, harap 2 aku ada peluang untuk jadi top management. As internal audit in Risk.But I dont know anything. I tak nak cakap ar.....I dah puas hambur kat my mom by phone. I nak tidur.....huuhuhuhu

Aku marah

Aku menulis dr ofis lg,satu tempat yg bahaya.Gusar identiti blog atau akses ke internet ni dapat diselongkar oleh Hard disk kat sini.Walaupun, external HD nya bg can,kat aku tembus firewallnyer aku masih tak puas.
Aku benci konkongan dan sokongan yg palsu.Uwekk...!!
Hari ni cadang nak balik umah mak,tp hati aku tgh feelin 'poyo' sekarang.
Entah kenapa harini marah semcm dgn KR tu.
Kerja aku tergendala lg sebab soalan KR kat Humty Dumty.Semua org kat ofis ni bangang lagi siput.****
Ya Allah,aku sedih sebenarnya sebab aku rasa mcm tak cukup bagus lg, mcm banyak yg aku tak dapat lg dan kenapa kenapa kenapa?
Aku susah betul nak mencari ilmu sesorang kat sini. Masa masuk pon ilmu takj diturunkan sepenuhnya.
Well,Anu kata everyopne should get a opportunity.Is This My OPPORTUNITY.
Well..aku rasa mcm selain lar.Sebab dahlar aku trerkontang kanting, ramai pulayg menyembunyikan sesuatu dr aku semacam aku ni hilangke dunia mana. Dunia ku sendiri.Ya aku kerja aku kerja .Tapi masih tak cukup.
Tapi mcm mana pulak hidup ku.
Agama dan bangsa ? Aku perlu positif. Aku akan kuat berusaha. dan cemerlang kan ilham ku. Ya Allah.........Luaskan ilmuku.Tundukkan aku dgn kuasa,jgn gilakan aku dan tamakkan aku dgn duniawi. Matikan aku dlm iman. Aku nak lari sekejap...
Ok.Time to smokin. Huhuhuhu..am I???..Apa aku kata ni...aku gila dah.

Doa sebelum Tidur

Ya Allah,ampunkan lah dosaku yang begitu banyak dan hina ini,
Ampunkan sucikan aku bak baru melihat dunia,
Bebaskan lah aku dari semua 'ini',Ya Allah,
Aku lemah,aku sedih,aku daif dan zalim dengan diriku,dengan Mu,dan keluarga ku,
Bebaskanlah aku dari penghinaan ini,bebaskan lah ,
Aku merayu merintih padamu Ya Allah,
ketemukan ku pada seseorang,ketemukanlah mati hidupku,
ketemukanlah perjuanganku,aku lemah dan tidak terdaya,
Aku seorang di dunia ni Ya Allah.
Ya Allah,Ya Rahman,Ya Rahim,Aku ketandusan.
Luaskan aku dengan rezeki dan zatmu Ya Allah.
Golongkan aku gologan yg diterima taubatnya,
Matikan aku dengan ISLAM.ISLAM.ISLAM.dan IMAN.
Jadikan diriku masyur dengan agamamu,ilmuku didada ditambah.
DENGAN IKHLAS YA ALLAH,SEGENGAM KU DOA,BULAT HATIKU,TETAPKAN SYAHADAT KU,JAUHKAN AKU DR ZINA,JAUHKAN AKU DR KEMUNGKARAN MU.
AKU TAKUT PADA DIRIKU SENDIRI,AKU TAKUT KAN KAMU YA ALLAH.
TAKUTKAN AZABMU.AKU LEMAH.AKU LEMAH.TUNJUKKAN LAH AKU JALAN.
AKU MAHU KEBAHAGIAAN DI DUNIA DAN AKHIRAT INI..............................TERCIPTA.
AMIN................................................

Pictures

Tengok2 dalam folder pictures dalam laptop ni,teringat kawan2 aku yg baik,yg jahat,and semua macam lar,yg aku terasa hati,yg aku sayang,but its all fall in one name.A memorable memory.
Oh....how sweet,sometimes macam nak masa tu berputar balik dan buat benda yg betul that time.Like say more polite and dont make them sad. But,let ogne be bygone.Kan?
Once aku susah nak keep dlm frenship ni,is a lasting relationship.Memang aku ni choosy sikit nak picky who fren can be lastiing with me.I dunno.Because,i takut ramai sgt tahu siapa diri sebenar.Sebab tu aku dah drop frenster,and mcm lg.So aku teruskan berblogging.Pasal aku rasa puas bercerita pasal diri aku sebenar.
Aku ada fikir nak buat blog baru real me.But no need lar,cos mcm nak tunjuk plak kat dunia who am i.Padahal.....aku pon tak tahu sape aku.
Yg penting aku nak ubah sikap,jd lebih maju berdaya saing dan jimat cermat. Dalam segi kerja aku nak kejar samapi ke tangga atas,insyaalah,cukup ilmu dan iman yg teratyas,so aku tak salah jalankan tanggungjawabku.
Cukup iman dan samapi jodoh harap aku dapat kawin dgn org yg setia dan bahagia dgn ku.Penting tu.
Duit dan harta datang bersama2 dengan syukur,amin.
Mak kena jaga.Rumah dan pelaburan kena beli.Kesihatan kena jaga
So...nak tidur dulu...esok nak bangun susah lak kul 5.
wslm

Lipas

Aku barujer melakukan pembunuhan yg terancang dan kejam. Pantas,dan perlahan aku bunuh mangsa aku dengan ridsect.Hahaha...

Sial ko lipas, macam mana boleh ada kat bilik,tepi tilam,nasib baik aku perasan,kalau tak malam ni aku tidur bertemankan dia...E...geli mak.

Bilik aku sudah dikemas bagi bersih wangi pun boleh sesat lipas ni.Aku tak suka,housemate bilik aku ni kotor,mesti dari sana,takpun kat bilik air,dah lar sebelah,tingkap pun maybe lipas tu masuk.Pelik,lipas2 yg datang kat bilik aku mesti macam dah nak mampusker,tempangker,macam pelarian lar.Tapi ingat ape,aku nak tumpangkan,parasit!!!!

Aku bunuh adalarr....Aku gelikan ko lipas.Cinabeng!!

Housemate aku memang tengah kemas bilik dia tadi time aku balik,lipas tu agaknya menyorok masuk bilik aku...pasal aku tgk macam nak mampus dah...mustahil lar aku tidur semalam lanyak dia..sebab aku tidur luar depan tv semalam...

Tolong lar aku geli lipas.Aku tak boleh terima binatang ni. Pengalaman aku dengan lipas sebelum ni cukup lar:

1)Timetu aku kecil,umur 7 tahun,tengah baring ats tilam tengah2 ruang tamu,boleh atas kipas siling tu,lipas tu terbang 360darjah...mak pula pi kejar dengan penutup bekas sepit kain,aku kat tengah2.Cuba banyangkan...lipas tu jatuh ker...kat cipap aku ker...hehehe...aku cekup selubung diri aku mcm mumia dengan cadar..huhuhu..

2)Pengalaman kedua,aku termakan lipas,nasib baik anak lipas,pasal lipas tu sedap dalam ikan masak kicap opah,semua orang lari dr aku dan keep ejek.....aku makan lipas...huhuhu..terseksa aku.....

3)Pengalaman 3,kat tempat tusyen sekolah agama,sekolah tumpang lar,bukan belajar agamapun.Ada lipas masuk terbang2 kesana kesini,dalam banyak 2 budak kat situ,dia landing betul2 atas kepala aku,jatuh pi bahu,pi lengan,sampai kaku aku pegang pensel,huahuahauahauahua.....besar siot......habis aku digelakkan.

4)Pengalaman 4,adik aku takutkan aku dengan lipas,time tu aku syok2 baring dah kenyang makan tgk tv,rupanye dia tipu aku,kena penyepak and penampar.Siap.hehehhe......Tambah lagi makian aku......huhuhu..memang kejam..tp nak hidup...dengan aman...kena ajar budak2 ni.

5)Pengalaman 5,aku balik keje,penat,sampai tertido atas katil,selalunya aku nak tidur luar,dalam bilik panas,aku rasa ada benda panjat hidung aku,mcm mimpi,aku tolak punya tolak,kat mata plak nya sangkut,so aku terbuka sikit,aku nampak kaki lipas tu,apa lagi,macam robot aku boleh nbangun serta merta,segar bugar,tolak lipas tu,pastu lari pi cuci muka mcm nak letak clorox jer,kejut mak aku,ada lipas suh bunuh,kalau tak aku tak tidur.Huhuhuhu

6)Pengalaman 6,aku barujer nak masuk tidur,time masa kat U,nampak lipas kat katil kawan aku,langsung aku keluar bilik,tidur kat ruang tamu bilik tv sampai pagi,sampai,seminggu hidup tak tenang nak cari lipas tu....belajar pun lari library....ntah mana lipas tu...susah hidup dalam trauma....lhuhuhuhu

7)pengalaman 7,tgk tv ngan kawan2 kat ruang tamu,ada lipas terbang,landing betul2 kat lutut aku,apa lagi melatah Pukimak.....huhuhuhu.......habis depa gelak...

Jadi,Persetan kan ko lipas,aku jumpa aku bunuh bagi terbelah 4.....huhuhuhuhu

Haroun Peranchis

Mungkin hari ini Hari Bapa dan banyak orang menceritakannya,maka hati aku membenarkan je ingatan pada abah. Biasanya hari-hari yg berlalu,tak akan sebegitu mudah aku kisah siapa abah dihati ini. Sebab dia tak pernah muncul sebagai seorang bapa yg betul dlm hidup aku. Dan aku sudah lali dengan itu. Aku akur dia mungkin seorang bapa yg hebat,tetapi aku lebih akur dia malang sebab tidak mengenali anak-anaknya. Mungkin dia tak pernah terfikir bahawa dia mempunyai anak2 baik yg akan menyayanginya.Tapi sungguh malang,apabila tiba2 shj,aku tak 'gah' menagih doa untuknya lg.Berbeza dengan dulu.

Mungkin selama dua tahun ini,aku membisukan diriku dengan tidak bercerita kisahnya kepada sesiapa,aku mahu supaya malam ni akan terkubur bersama cerita ini.Supaya tidak perlu lagi aku bercerita kepada sesiapa,seperti terkuburnya jasadnya.Seperti mana2 malam yg menemaninya sebelum ini dan begitu jugalah malam yang sunyi ini menemaniku.

Aku anak yang naif,sunyi,dan tidak mengharapkan apa2 dr org tua,kecuali perlindungan dan kasih sayang.Aku lahir di dunia ini bagaikan satu amanah yang ku pikul,tetapi dugaan hidup ini lebih berat lagi dipikul.Lagi hebat dugaan ku,lagi banyak yang kurintang dan optimisku mudah getar.

Aku kenal abahku bukan semenjak lahir.Dia hadir tika aku dihujung tanduk dalam keluarga.Tika aku mula berteka-teki yg lelaki bersamaku dan ibuku selama ni,lelaki yg menunjukan sifat dominan tidak sukanya padaku,bukanlah abahku sebenar.Memang sah tekaan ku,selama ini aku memakan hati,dan kerana mak aku bisukan sahaja.

Tatkala aku rasa terpinggir,dengan mudah mereka bermesra. Tiba-tiba,Abah muncul. Pelik tp benar,itulah hari yg paling bahagia bgku.Biarpun pahit,bila mak dengan lembut berkata,"Inilah abah aku sebenar",kerana kebenaran memanglah pahit.Tp abah datang tepat pada waktunya.

Aku suka.Aku suka aku ada abah,akhirnya.Aku hebohkan kepada kawan2 bahawasanya aku ada abah,dan segala soalan mereka terjawab selamani,kenapa bapaku sebelum in,tak membelikan aku itu dan ini,kenapa namanya berbeza dengan apa yg ku dibintikan,segalanya hampir terjawab.Aku bukan anaknya.Tp sangkaan ku abahku sebenar bukanlah seperti abah yg lain.

Dia org hebat.Semua org kenalnya,katanya lagak macam perdana menteri.Ideanya tersembunyi tajam dan kejam.Mungkin sebab dia sekutu politik,aku kisahkan juga.Dia org kuat.Dia busy.Dia macam2 lagi.Dan dia sakit.Ye.Sakit.

Hari aku mengenalinya,adalah hari baru dia melihat ku.Dia datang menjemput ku ke kampung.

Dia hebahkan kepada org kampung,kenalannya,bangganya mcm riuh sekampung kerana 'telur ayam'.Tp aku telur ayam yg busuk.

Mungkin dia gembira,mungkin dia sedih,dlm kehidupan ini.Kerana dia sudah menempuhi pelbagai dugaan hingga ke Peranchis.Aku tidak pernah tahu.Pernah ketika dulu, dia cuba menidakkan aku utk tidak terus tinggal bersamanya bg mengelak dr hasutan nenek.Aku juga tidak mahu.

Sebab aku mahu tinggal bersama mak.Masih jelas lg keadaan itu dlm kepalaku.Nenek bermati2 meminjam telefon rumah jiran,pangillan ke Kuala Lumpur,untuk mak,hanya semata2 alasan nenek akan memberi aku wang,emas,makan yang hebat dari mak.Aku bodoh,iakan shj,sebab aku ada abah tika itu.Abah akan jaga aku.Aku tahu abah akan bawaku jumpa mak.Tp abah lari ke pondok bas seberang.Aku terlari2 anak mencari abah dan mak.Aku diberi dua pilihan. Daifnya aku,sebagai anak.Mengapa mereka kejam.Meletakkan aku sedemikian.

Abah menitis air mata,aku tak tahu.Aku putuskan untuk balik,biarpun mereka tahan aku selama beberapa hari.Aku berjaya membuatkan seluruh kaum Haroun membenci aku,Ya.Aku anak emak.Emak tidak boleh dibeli,mereka tidak boleh membeli aku juga.

Selama hidup susah dan senang bersama emak,dan berpindah randah.Memang Tuhan adil,membenarkan kesempatan aku berjumpa abah.Tetapi,aku boleh berkira2.Kami jumpa selang 3 -4 tahun sekali.Puratanya lebih kurang 6-8 kali sepanjang hidupku. Semuanya perjumpaan yg dirancang,dicari dan dipertemukan oleh pakcik ataupun abang aku sendiri. Senang sahaja,mereka akan cari aku melalui mak,sebab mak akan selalu berhubung dgn opah,dan mesej ringkas mereka ialah."Sheila,abah nak jumpa".

Begitu jualah dengan semua kaum kerabat Haroun Peranchis,kurasakan mereka semuanya sekutu.Tiada konsep keluarga bersama,atau kasih berterusan. Entah apa yang mereka tahu tentang kasih sayang.Aku teruja jikalau dapat mesej begitu.

Terujanya aku,sebab,aku mencari peluang melarikan diri dr masalah dirumah.

Maka kedatanganku pula hanya untuk meminta segalanya dan menjadi segalanya yg sepatutnya miliku tetapi dirampas dr takdir.Aku bermain dengan takdir ku sendiri.Aku meraskan sendiri bagaimana jika takdirku disebelah tangan abah pula,selain mak.Ya,hebat.Aku suka.Sebab abah banyak kenalan,banyak ruangnya,banyak ekspresinya,banyak duitnya,banyak yg aku tak dapat bersama mak.

Aku anak yg nakal.Aku pijak dan bermain dengan tahiku sendiri.Aku meludah kesana-sini,dan pulang ke mak semula setiap kali.Aku rasa hebat,takdir disana,dan aku rasa naif takdir disini. Namun,aku tunjangkan mak segalanya,sebab aku anak mak.Aku habiskan duit bersama darjatku,bukan seperti Haroun.Aku pegang janjiku hinggalah Haroun tiada lagi,duitnya bukan hilang untukku,tapi untuk dunia,duitnya adalah 'maruahnya'.Sebaliknya,aku tidak pernah tahu maruahnya,dan dengan sebab itulah,aku tidak kisahkan duitnya lagi.Duit yg datang itu hanya sebelah mata bagiku,sebelah lagi hilang bersama maruahnya.

Aku sedih bila terfikirkan aku tergamak berfikir begini.Tetapi,aku puas,sebab inilah dunia. Roda permainan perasaan.Dia juga bersalah kepadaku,bila meninggalkan aku.Bila mengherdik aku orang miskin,bila membanggakan hartanya,bila menayangkan jaguhnya,bila menidakkan aku anaknya,tatkala buat pertama kali aku datang ikhlas dan insaf untuk menjaganya dan mengenal bapa sendiri satu tika dulu.Sebab aku tahu masanya tidak ada lagi.

Aku tahu aku tidak mampu dan mahu lagi menjaganya di kemudian hari,melihat dan berjumpa lagi hartanya,harta yang tidak seberapa.Sedangkan akulah hartanya yg sebenar ini sudah pudar dikikis olehnya.

Sebab itu aku bersedia,dari awal,aku tahu dia akan pergi,dan aku berjanji mungkin hari yg menjelang tidak lg sukar seperti sekarang. Kerana aku sudah lali,adanya dia atau tiada di kemudian,hanya sama sahaja momentum itu bgku.

Malang,aku juadahkan botol arak malam pemergiannya.Abangku juadahkan consolenya.

Dia mati sendirian di hotel,kerana dia meninggalkan kami semuanya sendirian,dan benar sangkaan ku selama ni yg dia akan sendirian selamanya.

Panggilan telefon dari mak saudara,bahawa abah sudah tiada,disambut dengan perkataan "O.K" sahaja dariku,lalu ku tutupkan telinga.Keluar dan bangun dari tidur,lari dari masalah,aku jalan perlahan2 keluar,dari bilik. Bangunan asrama yang tidak berpenghuni itu,kerana cuti semester.Tatkala aku disitu,kerana bekerja,aku memukul dan menumbuk dinding.Air mataku tiba2 mengalir,berkaca2,dadaku seperti dirobek,dicalar,dan dicakar,

Dengan perlahan aku berkata,kenapa abah pergi dulu.Dan bukan nya aku,bagaimana aku nak membalas perbuatannya,baginya merasa kehilangan orang,memberitahunya betapa sayangnya aku padanya lebih dari pertemuan kami,betapa bodohnya dia meninggalkan aku.

Aku balik.Sepanjang malam,dan esok dan esok aku menangis di bahu emak. Kenapa aku begitu sayangkan dia.?Kenapa aku menipu diriku selama ni? Kenapa aku gah berkata yg aku tidak akan menyesal jika dia pergi? Melodrama aku terjawab. Aku sebenarnya sangat sangat menyayanginya biarpun dia pernah melukakan aku. Tapi aku tak bisa dan tak gah memanjatkan doa.Kerana hati aku keras.Aku kasihankan dia.Abah yang tidak bernama dalam hidup.Dan kematiannya yang sunyi. Sunyi juga doaku untuk mu.Maafkan aku.

Aku menyayangi dalam penyesalan.Susah dihuraikan.Susah lagi bahu ini memikul. Semoga kau di dalam lingkungan mereka yg mendapat pengampunan dr Allah s.w.t. Sedikit bayang sahaja aku minta,bukannya mimpi.Bukannya hartamu.Bayang mu sahaja.Sebab aku tak pernah merasa lebih dari itu,aku tidak pernah memelukmu,mencium dahi mu,tanganmu.Aku cuma mengejar bayangmu selalu.Kerana aku akan ekori dan berhenti seketika sambil tersenyum.Tatkala itu baru aku tersedar, kau masih abah yang ku benci,sayang dan suka.Tapi bukan doaku.Kerana aku daif.Kerana aku tahu aku ada mak sekarang.Maaf.

Amin.Amin.Amin.