I dont know how can I get attached back to him. Yesterday and before yesterday-we chat. I dont know what should I do. Sometimes I think, the way its not like before. I cant feel him more. I just feel lonely but not for him. Maybe, my heart has closed again for a man. I dont know. But what the most sad for me now,is I cant feel anything. If I do feel, its was only a guilty feeling I had done to everyone. Sometimes I wish I could turn all my time, from my younger ages. There are many mistake I wish to corrected.All is just not fine for me now. Totally, I am feeling down now. Not more love,not more success,not a friend or a foe. Not even a salary more,not even anyone or family,not also a work,and boss, and also money. Its just ME.Yes it's me.
I think I has LOST.Many times in a 'mean' line.
Now...I wanna tell what was it.
First-Love. After I break up/dump him politely, what I just wish is only a friend relationship maybe I am not ready to loose him completely. Because, its already my routine to chat with him everyday and smile to him in cam. So, I do it slowly. But I never wish to give a chance. Well, I cant fall in love back when I am hurt. But, I need him as friend. Did I do wrong? Or I has wrong perception? In my situation,maybe YES. As long time I wish, I just want all not happen as what had happen to us. But its already happen, and I wish I can forget it. But its not easy.
He claimed to me,he will died,he sick,he admitted to hospital,a doctor call me,i assume a friend, all this is just sometime a 'shit story' I dont wish to heard. Its also a scary part. A moment guilty.
Or maybe he used this situation to stipulates me comes back to him. He knows, after all.
But what turn me off was my feeling has not like before. I think I LOVE him but I Hates him too.
LOVE as a foes, Hates like a friend. I never wish I can knew him...before. I wish I was not here now a day.This moment was so struggle dead meat for me. Because I has a feeling he want me for a moment he think he will died,who know next he is the killer. Yet,I still doubt everyone not him,mine too. I cant love him forever. Do he will read this? I gives him a sign . Many time.
But I never see he jump his site. He's only jumping on me. Fuck Him. Or Fuck me.
What I wanna do is just waiting he dump me. Until he obey that maybe we r not. Not in a line anyways. I dont know what will I be through.
But. I believes myself even I has doubt. I believes myself more than anyone. I know, that time is no longer for me to playin this. I know,I should stop. Listening to my song our song, tears down, its was just a part,of life sucks. But, remmeber those back, it was just gives me stronger and stronger than me, I should conquered myself beyond anyone dream or wish on me.
I should become more power in beneath live to HIM ,my God,my pray than a human lust.
I know, or I dont know. but One things must be clear, I am just NOT HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE DONE. AND I NEED TO REPENT AND I NEED TO RETURN ALL.
WHATS MY NEXT STEP.............
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